Cruz: Senate Should Clear the Former President Because He’s a Private Citizen, Investigate Hunter Biden Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One thing is becoming increasingly clear — most Senate Republicans are still deathly afraid of the man who is no longer president and his followers. Despite surviving a terrorist attack against themselves, directed by the former president, only five Republicans in the senate voted against Sen. Rand Paul’s (R-Dumbfuckistan) attempt to dismiss the second impeachment trial of Barack Obama’s racist successor, signalling that many will simply vote to acquit him next month.

One of the former, one-term president’s loudest defenders is Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas. Throughout most of the last four years, Cruz could be found stalwartly defending the former president no matter what was said or done. Despite the fact that the president had bullied Cruz and called Cruz’s wife Heidi ugly during the 2016 presidential campaign, Sen. Cruz has remained steadfast and loyal to his former tormentor.

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Today, Cruz posted a clip of the podcast he hosts with conservative commentator and alleged comedian Michael Knowles. In the tweet of the clip, Cruz calls efforts be Senate Democrats to hold the former president accountable for his part in inspiring the terrorist attack on the capitol “petty” and “vindictive.” Cruz’s tweet, below.

This morning, Cruz also spoke at a prayer breakfast in the D.C. area, held by pro-MAGA lobbyists. During his speech Cruz argued that the former president is “now a private citizen” and should be left alone. Instead, Cruz said that the Senate should be investigating someone else entirely.

“It’s time for the Democrats to accept that they won the election, and just forget all about that whole bloody violent insurrection thing from a couple weeks ago,” Cruz insisted. “No matter how many cops were killed because the mob was incited by the former president, he is a private citizen now and shouldn’t be harrassed by congress. Instead, we should be focusing on investigating Hunter Biden.”

Hunter, son of President Joe Biden, has been the target of right-wing attacks and smears since last year, when the former president tried to extort Ukraine into helping him destroy President Biden’s campaign. In the final weeks before the election, pro-MAGA forces in the media tried to push a narrative about one of Hunter’s laptop containing incriminating information, and Hunter divulged himself that he was the target of an FBI investigation. However, Hunter has also never served in a public office, and does not currently hold one.

“Why are they harassing our dear, sweet, tangerine tinted former Emperor God King? He’s already left office,” Cruz whined. “Seems a little late. If a president murders someone in office, everyone knows you can only hold him accountable for that murder right up until the next president is sworn-in.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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