Cruz, Kasich Agree to Trade-Off Being ‘Sligthly More Palatable Diarrhea Sandwich’ to Trump

GOLD SPIKE, PENNSYLVANIA — Sources close to both the John Kasich and Ted Cruz presidential campaigns say both candidates have reaffirmed their pledge to work together to stop Donald J. Trump from securing the 1237 delegates he needs to be the Republican presidential nominee. In a joint press release tentatively scheduled for Tuesday morning — the day that voters in a few states, including delegate-rich Pennsylvania go to the primaries — Kasich and Cruz refer to each other as the “slightly more palatable diarrhea sandwich” to Trump.

We obtained a copy of this press release, which follows below. Kasich and Cruz made sure within the statement to acknowledge that neither one represents the candidate the GOP base seems to want.

Of course, we can tell the way Trump is vacuuming up delegates in a lot of states that you really don’t want either of us, unless you’re a religious fundamentalist extremist or you think Gov. Kasich will be able to Trojan Horse his ass into the White House and then get all funde-tastic on the country. But we implore you to not let that stop you from at least considering taking a nice, toothy bite of the slightly more palatable diarrhea sandwich that Senator Cruz and Gov. Kasich present to a potential Donald Trump presidency.

Some of you might be wondering just how different we could be from Trump, when in previous debates we’ve said we’d support him if he got the nomination. Some of you might also be wondering if we’re really all that difference in the substance of our views from Trump, since we’ve both pandered to his supporters, saying things that are at least Trump-esque, in an effort to woo them to our side. And still others of you might be wondering just how a diarrhea sandwich works.

The answer to your last question is “like a Sloppy Joe, but with loose stool instead of loose meat,” which is really the perfect analogy between us and Trump. We might look and sound different from Trump, and diarrhea looks and smells different than Sloppy Joe meat. But the end result — of both eating a Sloppy Joe and voting for either of us instead of Trump — are exactly the same, disgusting result that will likely just give you a pain in your ass for awhile.

We implore you to look at the issues. Senator Cruz doesn’t want women to control their own uterus, and neither does Kasich. Trump has defended renowned and totally proven (so don’t go Googling this in case you think we’re full of shit about it, like we are about pretty much everything else) baby part wholesaler Planned Parenthood, though he did say he’d like to see some kind of punishment for women who seek abortions if we can get Roe vs. Wade overturned. So see? We’re all on the same page on that one, but Teddy and Johnny know how to be anti-rape victim without seeming quite so douchey. It’s a matter of degrees, and we think we represent a kindler, gentler sociopathy.

All of this is why we’ve decided to trade-off anti-Trump duties. If Ted looks stronger than John in a state, Kasich will cede to him, and vice versa will be true as well. We hope you’ll do the right thing for the country and choose an alternate form of wet, stingy, painful shitting than the one currently in the lead for our party’s nomination. Only together can we stop the threat of one bombastic, heartless asshole by electing one of two other slightly less bombastic, but just as out of touch and shitty candidates.

God Bless America, God Bless the Republican Party, and God Bless Us,

Gov. John Kasich & Sen. Ted Cruz