Cruz: “The Only Thing I Need Covering My Face Left Washington on January 20th”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For quite some time, some Senate Republicans have scoffed at, if not openly defied, congressional rules dictating they wear a face mask while on the capitol grounds. Senators such as Rand Paul of Kentucky and Ted Cruz of Texas have been particularly performative and vocal about their disdain for mask regulations. Last week, Cruz decided that he, like Sen. Paul, would simply no longer comply with the rules and would not be wearing a face mask while working in Congress.

Asked about this decision on Fox News this morning, Cruz said there was a “simple explanation” for his decision to eschew face masks.

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“Firstly, it’s just absurd to ask me, a pro-MAGA Republican, to do something for the greater good, unless that greater good is me getting something for it other than a warm, fuzzy feeling,” Cruz laughed. “I mean, hello? Can these mask tyrants not see how silly it is to expect a Q-Publican to care about other people?”

More importantly, though, Cruz said that he simply does not believe that anything should go over his face now that Joe Biden is president.

“The only thing I needed covering my face left Washington on January 20th,” Cruz admitted. “Lord knows I tried to help those good Q-folk keep my wonderful face covering in town, but the Founders were clearly a bunch of far let Antifa agitators, because their so-called Constitution didn’t let that happen.”

Over a course of four years, Cruz says he went from “preferring nothing” on his face to “truly enjoying the flavor and aroma of McDonald’s farts and shame.”

“And you know what? Any time the stench was too much for me, I just reminded myself how ugly Heidi, my wife, is,” Cruz explained, “and all of a sudden the smell and taste wasn’t so bad anymore. Now that I’ve had time to readjust to life without that thing covering my face, Fauci and Biden want me to bend the knee and put a mask on. Preposterous. Need I remind you: FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOMMMM!!!”

The CDC reiterated its guidance today that recommends shitting all over Ted Cruz at least twice a year for maximum health benefits.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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