Cruz: “Why Is Joe Biden So Afraid to Call My Wife Ugly?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) blasted President Joe Biden today, accusing him of being “completely and utterly terrified to be half as strong and brave as his predecessor.” At the heart of the matter — Biden’s refusal, up to this point, to give an opinion on the aesthetic qualities of Cruz’s wife, Heidi.

“Donald John Tiberius Rasputin Bedford Forest Stonewall Lee Trump is a brave man. A strong man. A man gifted with both the wisdom and the courage to say the truth,” Cruz told Fox News this morning. “He possessed that intestinal fortitude from the beginning, even before he won in 2016. Donald didn’t wait until he was in the Oval Office to call out Heidi for being such a pug-ugly sack of shit, and here we are more than six months into Biden’s first term and he can’t mention my disgusting wife’s horrid looks even once?”


Cruz suggested that either George Soros or Barack Obama is behind Biden’s lack of comment on his wife’s looks.

“Their radical agenda means fundamentally changing how America has operated for the past four years — with a president who knew the vital importance of bullying my wife,” Cruz continued. “He’s the president. The most powerful man in the world. Why is Joe Biden so afraid to call my wife ugly? I think the American people have a right to know the answers to these questions.”

Cruz issued a stern ultimatum to Biden.

“I’m giving Joe until the end of this year to make mention of my ugly wife’s vomit-inducing looks,” Cruz said, “or I will ensure that he is impeached for failing the republic if we take back the House and Senate. If we don’t, then Heidi — you know, my truly ugly wife? — will personally sue Joe Biden for his egregious mistake.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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