Cruz: “America Needed a Draft Dodger With Bone Spurs Leading the Afghanistan Withdrawal”

“What this entire debacle has taught is something really quite simple to understand. America needed a draft dodger with bone spurs leading the Afghanistan withdrawal.” – Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun)

During a press conference this morning, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) lambasted the Biden administration for how it handled the drawdown of U.S. troops in Afghanistan. Despite the fact that the agreement to end America’s longest war came during former one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald J. Trump, Republicans like Cruz have been haranguing Biden for the chaotic violence, and ISIS terror attack that killed more than ten servicemembers yesterday.

Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary, said during a press briefing yesterday that it was “not the time for politics” while emergency airlifts are still underway, bringing American citizens and Afghan refugees to safety. Sen. Cruz, however, didn’t get, or at least ignored that memo, and today he lashed out at Biden. Cruz insisted that if “Trump had won either the election or the insurrection,” things would be quite different today.


“What this entire debacle has taught is something really quite simple to understand,” Cruz stated. “America needed a draft dodger with bone spurs leading the Afghanistan withdrawal. Without it, you’ve seen what happened — exactly what we all knew would happen. But, and I cannot say this enough, a Democrat is president and I have no choice but to pretend a Republican could have done better, even though I know in my slime-encrusted heart that is not anywhere near the truth.”

Cruz pointed to the fact that Biden has been in office for more than seven months and not insulted his wife’s looks as a “big, big reason” he thinks Biden is not up to the task.

“This country runs on people calling my wife, Heidi, ugly. The last man to occupy the Oval Office understood that better than anyone,” Cruz said. “Joe Biden? He doesn’t understand that. He hasn’t mentioned my wife’s disgusting face even once! How can he expect to be an effective leader if he can’t even bring himself to tell me the truth about how incredibly fucking ugly Heidi is?”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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