HORN’S BEND, NEW HAMPSHIRE — When Franklin Pierce University and the Boston Herald released the results of their newest poll which shows Democratic dark horse candidate and self-described democratic socialist Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) taking a seven point lead over the agreed-upon, predestined and presumptive general election winner Hillary Clinton, some within the two organizations fought to have a statement included within the release.
Ultimately, the university and the newspaper decided to just release the results and let the American people decide what they mean, but initially sources close to the groups who spoke to The Political Garbage Chute under promise of anonymity and a gift card to Taco Bell told us that language was going to be inserted that admonished voters to keep something in mind. “Voters who read the results of this poll should bear in mind it doesn’t change a thing — Bernie Sanders is still completely and totally unelectable because ‘socialism.'” One Boston Herald staffer told us that his employers even considered titling the poll “An Extremely Misleading Poll That Shows Bernie Might Have a Shot at This Thing,” but in a move that baffles most media watch groups, they chose instead to give Americans the opportunity to digest the information themselves.
“Clearly, since the Beltway and pundits all over the country have declared Hillary the winner of not just the primaries but the election too, this poll is almost not worth releasing,” our source told us. “But for some reason — maybe it’s the absolutely gigantic crowds he’s attracting or something — they decided to just let the poll results out in to the open and see where the chips fall. It’s a scary proposition for those of us in the corporate-sponsored media to actually let the American public decide what things mean, but it’s a bold new era we live in, isn’t it,” the source asked rhetorically.
Political pundits all over the ideological map have already roundly rejected the New Hampshire polls. Jillian St. Thomas, a Democratic operative advising the Hilary Clinton campaign told The Political Garbage Chute that “it’s really cute that one poll shows such a huge swing in momentum for Bernie, but we’re not really worried about. We’re Team Hillary. We don’t worry about anything. Everything’s already lined up and in the bag for us. Just like 2008.”
Richard Carnes, a Republican strategist working with the Jeb! campaign told us that “Republicans aren’t really looking at Democratic primary polls” because “that’d be like a bucket of chum worrying about which shark was going to completely devour it” and “we’re too busy trying to change electoral college voting procedures and voting rights laws to rig the election for us –er I mean secure electoral integrity to worry about who would clean our clocks in a fair fight.”
“It doesn’t matter how many tens of thousands of people show up to see him,” Gary Hobarth told us, “or how many polls show him not only breathing down Hillary’s neck but beating her.” Hobarth is a senior policy expert at The American Center for Political Politicking and American Politics, and he says that “no matter how many signs there are that a real, grassroots, cross-party candidate is making serious headway, the establishment will get what it wants.” Hobarth told us that “while it sure is exciting watching someone who is so widely disregarded by the usual, prime time pundits amass huge crowds” it won’t “change a damn thing because he uses the word socialism and that scares Americans too much to elect him.”
Cynthia Hines, a Republican pollster, told The Political Garbage Chute that “Sanders is too radical” to win. Hines said “he won’t shut up about how super insanely rich people don’t need to be coddled,” and that message just simply won’t resonate with the American people.” She went on to say that “if he’d just tone it down and suck a little corporate dick, he’d be a world beater.”
“Sure, less than a decade ago the idea of a black president seemed like science fiction, and so clearly anything is possible in American politics,” Carnes said. “But that doesn’t mean Americans could actually vote for a socialist, does it? I mean, what examples do we have of socialism even working in this country? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my elderly mother to the Social Security office to straighten some things out, and then later we’re taking her to the pharmacist so her Medicare can pay for her heart pills.”