WASHINGTON, D.C. — The organizers of the largest gathering of conservative voters, politicians, and pundits announced today that a special ceremony has been put together by the Trump administration, and that it will close out their conference this year.
Every year conservatives flock to the nation’s capital to congregate in what is known as CPAC — the Conservative Political Action Committee. This year there is a lot of buzz and excitement as the Republican Party controls all three branches of government and they won the White House back in an historic fashion. Co-Presidents Steve Bannon and Donald Trump told CPAC’s organizers that they had gotten “special permission” from someone they called a “friend in Russia” to close out the meeting of conservative thinkers by opening the Ark of the Covenant before a packed auditorium.
“We’ll be providing everyone special uniforms and armbands,” CPAC Junior Media Liaison Helen Shipley told CPAC attendees in an address Friday morning, “so you’ll want to get here early. Also, the co-presidents have asked that if you have any books you no longer want or think should be burned for the thoughts and words they contain, bring them as well.”
The Ark, which Christians will remember from the Old Testament as the vessel the Isarelites built to store the Ten Commandments. Legend held that the power of God was so strong within the stone tablets the commandments were written on that they had to be held in the Ark. The Ark itself is built with carrying rods so that human hands do not touch it, as Bible lore says those that did so without blessing from God would be struck down. Bannon and Trump told CPAC’s planners that their Russian friend had commissioned a quest to find the ark, which they secured by stealing it from an archaeology professor who had found it just prior.
“This is going to be a spectacular, historic event,” Shipley said, “and we’ll be filming it for everyone to see. It’s going to be a great way to close out the conference, but also a great way to kick off the rest of the year under Co-Presidents Bannon and Trump’s benevolent, gentle, truly American dictatorship.”
Prior to the Ark opening ceremony, Trump and Bannon will also put on a “spectacular multimedia production” that they say will “wow and amaze” the audience into “shock and awe.”
“They’ve told us they have one of those cool holographic celebrities like the liberals did with Tupac and stuff,” Shipley said, “and they said their alt-right supporters would really love who they chose! Some guy with a funny mustache and mangled penis who shrieks a lot about Whos, which is weird to me because I thought everyone loved Dr. Seuss. But oh well. On that note, the co-presidents will also be providing handy German to English translation guides.”
Past notable speakers at CPAC have been Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and a bag of farts with an American flag lapel pen and a Bluetooth speaker attached that blares recitations of Breitbart articles.
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