In hindsight, former President Trump’s closest advisers knew this was the longshot of all longshots; but they knew, sources tell us, that if they didn’t help him take it, they’d be in his crosshairs. Being in Trump’s crosshairs these days could mean being in someone else’s literal crosshairs, and so a team of neo-confederate misanthropes lled by Stephen Miller helped the twice-impeached former president craft his 2021 speech at CPAC for one singular purpose — putting him back in office, and ejecting Biden for good from it.
“It was a Hail Mary on top of a last ditch effort, wrapped in desperation,” one anonymous source told us. “But Daddy, er I mean, former President Daddy, er I mean, the president, knew what he wanted, and he told us all to go get it for him. Gosh staying anon-ee-mouse is hard, Daddy-ah!”
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Trump’s strategy was simple — lie about losing, and whine about having to respect the results of losing, but as loudly as possible. Trump was convinced, sources say, that the Constitution has a secret clause allowing a recently defeated incumbent president to retake control of the presidency, but only if he gives a very public, obnoxious speech full of lies and complaints. Trump certainly did his part this weekend, and gave the attendees of CPAC the loudest speech full of the most lies and whining complaints than perhaps any other speech in American history.
“It was a thing of real beauty,” Jehtro Bohiggins, a very pro-MAGA podcaster told us. “It was prolly the most prettyful thing I’ve seen since my cousin and I hooked up at our family reunion. If my jealous sister hadn’t walked in on us, I dare say that would have been the most important sexual experience of my life and I – wait. What were we talking about, fam?”
But despite what people like Jethro might have hoped, and despite what Trump believed, when the dust settled, the spittle from his mouth had been wiped away, and the sun set on CPAC, Joe Biden was still Donald Trump’s president.
“I have clue why Steve Bannon would tell him that this would work if he knew it wouldn’t,” another source told us. “So, clearly this is once again a plot by Never-Trumpers and the far-left Antifa Democrats to deny our God King Emperor his rightful place on the throne.”
Projections show Joe Biden will remain Trump’s president until Kamala Harris is.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.