Cowboys Change Cheerleader Squad Name to “Super Spreaders”

DALLASS, TEXASS — This week, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones — whose body and face are 77 and 10 years old respectively — announced that when his team plays its home games this upcoming season, they plan to do so in front of a crowd of fans.

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Owners, players, coaches, referees, umpires, and even stadium faculty of various professional sports teams from different sports have been grappling with returning to play in the era of COVID-19. While most schools and non-essential businesses remain closed, Major League Baseball and the NBA have begun play, though there have already been major outbreaks among a handful of teams.

Regardless how the season plays out in terms of COVID-19, and whether his team can manage to keep an outbreak from occurring in the locker room, the Cowboys announced one rather significant change to the team that it says is to “pay tribute and show awareness of the times we live in.” This season the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders will be known collectively as “The Super Spreaders.”

“Our ladies have been known for quite some time as America’s Sweethearts, but this year we decided that it was right to change things up a bit,” the team wrote in a press release sent to media outlets this week. “So we have decided that for this season, and for the duration of the outbreak, we will christen our cheerleaders as The Super Spreaders.”

The reason for the name change is two-fold, the Cowboys said. For starters, it “correctly describes how well and far apart these ladies can spread their legs when performing aerial stunts.” Secondly, it “pays tribute and honors the fans themselves.”

“Fans who attend our games will be made honorary and literal members of the squad,” the team wrote. “Every single fan in attendance will be part of the super spreaders for that day. We will be announcing some very special promotions to coincide with this name change, so look out for future email blasts, fans!”

The COVID-19 modified NFL schedule is set to begin in September. Experts do not believe a vaccine or adequate testing will be developed before then. Currently, Texas, where the state the cowboys call home, currently has the second highest number of confirmed COVID-19 infections. Only California has more cases, however the difference, according to the most recent numbers, is only about a thousand cases.

“Come out and join us this year, and be a part of the new, exciting Dallas Cowboy Super Spreaders,” the team’s release concludes, “We look forward to seeing you and getting sick with you this season! Go Cowboys, Go!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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