Our Fellow (Poorer, Desperate) Americans,

We did it! We actually did it! We did our jobs, or at least we pretended to do our jobs long enough to secure a bipartisan deal, and there will be a second COVID-19 relief package headed your way! Included in this package will be direct payments to you, the American Plebs, and guess what?

You’re each getting six hundred whole dollars! Trust us, we know how great six hundred dollars feels in your bank accounts, because each year, you all give us 250-times that much as part of our yearly salary! If anyone knows the feeling one gets when there’s at least six hundred smackaroonies in your bank account, it’s us, your elected congressional representatives.

After nine long, grueling months of doing and sacrificing nothing, we have all put our heads together and figured out a way to get you, the unwashed, huddled, largely unemployed masses, a very, very small amount of money. But just think — it’ll be money that you didn’t have before. And while it’s true that each and everyone of YOU pays OUR bills for us — well, the bills we don’t have lobbyists and donors pay for us — bear in mind, we’re the heroes here. We’re giving you back some of your own money! Worshiping and adoring us would be the very least you could do to repay us for doing the absolute minimum and getting you much less than that to try and survive on for another few months while the economy tries to recover.

We know this pandemic has been tough. It’s been made even tougher on millions of you who lost your jobs and your healthcare. We can only presume, of course, that it’s hard losing your healthcare, because we actually never were in any real danger of that happening. In fact, while we spent the last several numbers arguing over stuff, we were never in any serious danger whatsoever, not financially or otherwise. But that doesn’t mean we can’t pretend to show you sympathy for going through stuff we could never, ever handle.

The bottom line is that you’re all going to get $600, and you’re very welcome for that indeed. We’d tell you all not to go spending it it one place, but given how high your bills must be piled-up at this point, it’s probably impossible NOT to spend it all in one place. You’ll get over it.

So, thanks for the salary and the free healthcare. It definitely made it easy to focus on the task we didn’t really do anything to accomplish until the very last hour with the very minimal effort. 

Again — you are welcome.

Merry Holidays,

Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi

Breaking: Joe Biden Is Still Your Next President

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.