Court Rules Ted Cruz is a Citizen, But Not a Member of the Human Race

HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA — The Pennsylvania Supreme Court last week issued a ruling that should clear the way for Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) to run his presidential campaign without challenges to his citizenship status, but that was only half the story.

While major media outlets focused on the ruling that upheld a lower court’s decision to dismiss a lawsuit that would have kept Cruz off Republican primary ballots in Pennsylvania, there was another paragraph in the court’s decision that has curiously been left out of most news reporters. Below is a transcript of that paragraph.

While we have found no compelling evidence that Mr. Cruz is not a citizen of the United States of America, and while we hold that the lower court was correct in dismissing this case, we must also address another point — Cruz’s humanity. This court finds there is no compelling evidence, based on the words that come out of his mouth regarding immigrants, liberals, minorities, and the LGBT+ community, that Cruz is a member of the human race. We find not a single shred of his humanity in any words he speaks, and therefore Pennsylvania voters should think long and hard before casting a vote for a non-human life form.

Reached for comment,¬†Senator Cruz told us he was “delighted” by the first part of the ruling and doesn’t “care what lawless liberal activist judges” say about him.

“Everyone knows that I’m hated by just about everyone,” Cruz told us via an email statement, “I mean, I came to Washington and took a dump on everybody in any party who remotely disagreed with my acutely conservative viewpoint. So of course people hate me. It rolls off my back. But I can promise you this, human or not, I will repeal every word of Obamacare with an executive order the likes of which would compel me to impeach a Democratic president if they even thought about issuing it. It’s different when we Republicans do it, for reasons and Democracy and these colors don’t run and libtards and freedom.”


Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters this morning that if “the party can unite around a walking, talking anus like Donald Trump, it could unite behind a non-human entity like Cruz.

“Trump is a douche, and Cruz is a douche,” Priebus, “so I think our voters will respond no matter who winds-up getting the nomination. I just hope they’re douchey enough. Our people tend to like really, really douchey people who think poor people are all lazy and that there were WMD in Iraq and whatnot. Teddy’s just fine to be non-human; most of us Republicans are.”