WINDY BEACH FALLS, VIRGINIA — Skip and Jerry Lawson have been married for fifteen years and they both say they have an “okay” or “whatever” sex life, but right now they are completely at odds with each other with no possible hope of it ending any time soon.
The Lawsons are gripped with an angst-ridden cocktail of indecisiveness and apathy, and it threatens to do some kind of damage to their romantic life. Though, truthfully, neither Skip nor Jerry are really all that bothered to speculate all that much about what the damage might be. Regardless, they are faced with a situation they can no longer avoid, and have to deal with head-on.
The question at hand: What content to put on the background while they absent mindedly fuck?
“The problem is that the couple of times a month we do it, there’s just so much content out there to chose from, we end up spending sex time browsing Netflix, Hulu, or Prime,” Skip said. “I mean, it’s not like our sex is so great that either of us are missing out on anything special per se. We put in just enough effort to get ourselves off at this point, but I’m saying it’s a little unnerving when you can’t decide which movie or TV show to focus on while your spouse bones you out.”
Jerry completely agrees with Skip .
“Oh, I completely agree with Skip ,” Jerry tells us. “The truth is there’s just way too much content to choose from, and I find myself caring more about what we have on in the background while we fuck than I do about our fucking. To be fair to both of us though, I don’t really think about us fucking much either these days; not with work and the kids keeping us so damn busy.”
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Last October, during Skip ‘s yearly “Birthday Go Down” that Jerry performs on him, Skip realized that he had to stop him mid-tongue bath. They had put something on for background light and noise, but he was too distracted thinking about something else to watch instead.
“We haven’t even started Breaking Bad yet,” Skip said. “So it just felt dumb to go onto the next season of Top Chef, know what I mean?”
Jerry completely disagrees with Skip on that.
“Oh, I completely disagree with Skip,” Jerry says. “I think Top Chef felt just right at the time. Eh, whatever. He’s probably right; we’ll see in a week or two if we get around to doing it.”
Both of them think they’ll find something to watch, eventually.
“We’ll figure it out, like everything else in this marriage,” Skip said. “Whether it’s one thing or another, whether it’s the bills or Jerry’s addiction to online gambling, or my non-stop need to have sex with anyone except my husband who is secretly a eunuch because he sold his penis to pay for mandolin lessons in the 1990’s, we always weather the storm. We always have, and we always will.”
Jerry and Skip Lawson are currently streaming “Sandford and Sons Vol. II” and engaged in some moderate mutual oral.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
