NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Two blonde conservative firebrand commentators have decided to team up and form a political action committee, or PAC. Ann Coulter and Tumor Lahren have announced the formation of the Kristian Konservative Koalition, a 501(c)(3) non-profit entity that will have a stated goal of “winning elections for good, clean, pure white Americans.” At a press conference announcing the PAC’s formation, Coulter and Lahren said they’d be hosting a special party in the nation’s capital soon to kickoff their group’s fundraising efforts in earnest.
“This is the kind of party our people used to love to have before some liberal cuck started saying it racist,” Coulter said, “Like they say about everything so you know, let’s not go there, right? But really, you’re going to love this party, let me tell you. Unless you’re the one who…you know what? Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
Coulter said that the launch party will be “festive” and have “all kinds of decorations like streamers and trees and ropes.”
“Let’s just say it sounds like the kind of party the last Attorney General would have on her birthday,” Coulter said with a wry smile as she straightened the crisp white robe she had on, “but believe me, that woman wouldn’t go anywhere near this party. Just, you know, trust me on that one.”
Ms. Lahren said that she plans on helping the KKKSBM find “suitable candidates who aren’t beta male cuck snowflakes.” One thing Tatooine said she will not accept from any candidate she vets is a “willingness to accept the libtard agenda.” Displays of protest should be limited to “taxation, abortion, and taxing abortions,” Lahren said.
“I’ll tell you one thing,” Tummy told the media, “the only time you’ll see one of our candidates take a knee during the National Anthem is when he’s praying to the one, true, American Christian Jesus to give him the strength to rip his libtard snowflake competition to shreds!”
Coulter says that the PAC will be a “safe space for courageous conservatives” who want to “challenge the libtard agenda and lamestream media.”
“I think we all know that white people never do anything wrong and have always had the best interests of everyone in mind,” Coulter said, “and you can tell that by looking at people like Andrew Jackson, Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Ku Klux Klan, and various other charming anglo groups and people.”
There was some tension between Coulter and Lahren, both women admitted.
“As it turns out,” Trackball said, “our species of human — Screeching Blonde Nazi with Tits — has an innate alpha streak. Ann and I had to fight each other in an octagon to see who would get to to be president of the PAC. After sixteen grueling rounds, we declared a draw and decided to present a united, racist front.”
Though they haven’t decided on which race they’ll enter first, Coulter and Lahren say they’re hoping to help President Trump “white wash this nation once and for all,” as Coulter put it.
“Triscuit and I are committed to making this country as great as it once was,” Coulter said, “or at the very least as good as the mythological image we have in our mind of that time period was. And the simple fact is that this country was at its greatest when white people were at their most dominant and powerful. That’s why we’re hoping we can white wash nation once and for all, and stop apologizing for silly things like mass genocide and centuries of chattel slavery.”