NEW HAVEN, OHIO — The American alt-right is reeling this morning after newly released court documents revealed that the InfoWars reporter known to many as the “Kent State Gun Girl” is actually one of the original screeching, racist blonde harpies in a suit meant to pass her off as another vapid, racist blonde fuckmuppet, who is wearing a mask that is supposed to make her look like Gun Girl, all while shitting herself.
The documents were released as part of a Freedom of Information Act request filed in Ohio state court by a foundation whose charter says they’re “dedicated to unmasking fraud and mendacity in public figures.” Six months ago, the National Institute of Revelation filed a FOIA request on the hunch that something wasn’t quite right about Kaitlin Bennett, the Kent State student who made herself famous by carrying an assault rifle on campus and taking her senior portraits posing with it. This made her the “Gun Girl” to many Americans, and in almost no time Bennett was working for Alex Jones’ company InfoWars, where she’s begun making videos mocking and trolling liberals with highly edited videos of her asking young people “gotcha” style questions.
“We had always been suspicious of Kaitlin. Her rhetoric and entire persona seemed like she was a B-Team Tomi Lahren,” NIR’s Kathy McCatherine told reporters today, “who is of course a D-Team Ann Coulter. What we couldn’t have guessed until we got these documents, however, is the intimate relationship between all three.”
The court documents reveal that Coulter, who is herself a racist horse skeleton in a blonde wig, began wearing a suit made to look like someone else roughly four years ago. That’s when a character named Tomi Lahren really burst onto the political scene. The documents show Coulter created the Lahren character because “even the best plastic surgery” couldn’t stop her from “looking like a rotting bag of apples covered in heavy makeup and shame.” Coulter’s court filings indicate she wanted to create a character “similar to Andy Kaufman and Bob Zmuda playing Tony Clifton, only, you know, racist.”
But soon, Coulter realized that people might tire of Lahren if they didn’t see her in her natural habitat, doing fake casting couch porn. So she needed to create yet another character to play, and that’s when she had her idea: have the Lahren character play a slightly younger, but just as racist, just as stupid character named Kaitlin Bennett. The kicker, though? Coulter would have to learn how to shit herself on cue.
“It turns out, according to the documents we obtained,” McCatherine said, “Coulter knew she had to differentiate between her characters. If she made them too much a carbon copy of each other, people might catch onto the charade. So that’s why she decided the Bennett character not only had to be blonde, not only had to be vapid, not only had to be racist, but she needed to shit herself. The rest is, as they say, fecal history.”
It’s unclear at this time what, if anything, will come from the release of the documents. Sources close to the situation say that Ms. Coulter is confident her fans won’t notice or care, nor will fans of Lahren or Bennett. Coulter feels that to conservatives “all that matters is they feel like part of a big group and the majority,” one source told us on the condition of anonymity.
“If anyone notices, they won’t care. But they probably won’t notice because it’s not like Fox News, OANN, Sinclair, InfoWars, or Stormfront will cover this story,” McCatherine admitted, “and those are the biggest media outlets the right-wing has right now. Maybe if Bongino stopped sucking Trump off for long enough to report on it people would care, but I highly doubt it.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.