Coroner Report Confirms Scalia ‘Died Without a Shred of Humanity’

FLUSHING, TEXAS — A Federal coroner has released her initial autopsy report for the late Justice Antonin Scalia, and it confirms what many in the political world had only theorized about.

“Justice Antonin Scalia died without a shred of humanity,” Dr. Henrietta Mufflestein’s report details. According to Dr. Mufflestein’s notes, Scalia “appeared human from all outward appearances” but that once the autopsy was underway she could tell something was different about Scalia. The doctor would later tell reporters at the press conference at which she released her initial findings that she “wasn’t surprised” to find such a lack of qualities and characteristics that would “easily identify the decedent as human” because she has read some of his legal opinions.

“The man said he didn’t think evidence should necessarily keep an innocent man from being executed,” Mufflestein told the press, “so, no, we weren’t exactly blown away that was inside Scalia was a massive black hole, something that smelled like sulfur, and pure, unadulterated hatred for anything and anyone not devoutly white, male, and Catholic.”

Mufflestein said that Scalia’s body contained a viscous, pink ooze that has thus far shown properties that make it come alive when playing old Motown songs, and that the ooze seems to react to both positive and negative energy in different ways.

“It’s fascinating stuff,” Mufflestein said, “and the last time we saw it was over 20 years ago underneath the streets of New York. We had to call in a crack team of paranormal experts to resolve that particular problem.”

Also found within Scalia was a hamster on a wheel where his heart should be, and old hay, straw and a copy of the Bible where his brain should be, and “absolutely zero traces of a human soul.”

“He looked like the guy from the Operation game, with all the weird things where normal human stuff should have gone. Although to be fair,” Mufflestein told reporters, “souls don’t actually exist so that almost sounds like some silly satirist’s joke. But anyway, yeah, no heart or brain either. Which isn’t surprising considering he compared homosexuality to murder when he said that people should have the right to pass laws against it like they do against killing people. So we didn’t expect to find anything remotely resembling a heart or brain in his body.”

Dr. Mufflestein said now that her initial autopsy is done, Scalia’s body will go to a special lab in Washington, D.C. where it will be analyzed before being cremated, which she says may not be a good idea after all.

“There was such a huge build-up of toxic, vile, disgustingness inside of Justice Scalia,” Mufflestein warned, “that once it gets close to an extreme heat source, you could have one noxious, stinky, horrendous mess on your hands. Just think of all the gross hot air that came out of him every time he wrote an opinion, and imagine all that terribleness exploding out of his body as it’s cremated. Just something to think about.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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