Coronavirus Placed on 24-Hour Suicide Watch

Authorities are telling us that the novel coronavirus, known globally as “Covid-19,” has been put on a constant, 24-hour suicide watch over the last several days. The move comes after it was announced that Covid-19 was diagnosed with the worst case of Donald Trump Jr. ever recorded.

“Don tested positive at the start of the week and has been quarantining out at his cabin since the result,” the spokesman said. “He’s been completely asymptomatic so far and is following all medically recommended COVID-19 guidelines.” (CNN)

Those with firsthand knowledge of the situation say that within moments of receiving its positive Don Jr. diagnosis, Covid-19 became despondent and its outward emotions changed dramatically.

“It’s not hard to understand why the coronavirus would be so devastated. Not even his own father wants to spend that much time in close proximity to Don Jr,” the source said. “So I think a lot of us anticipated that Covid would take the news pretty hard, but I don’t think any of us knew they’d get suicidal over it. Then again, I spent five minutes in an elevator with Don Jr. once and I found myself wishing the cable would snap and we’d both fall to our deaths, just so I didn’t have to hear him or smell his cheap cologne again.”

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It’s been a rough last few weeks for Covid-19. It’s been forced to live with diagnoses of President Donald Trump, Stephen Miller, and Kellyanne Conway. Medical experts say having to spend a considerable amount of time with any of those three could risk a state of depression setting in. Apparently, also having to hang out with Donald Trump Jr. was a “bridge too far” for Covid-19’s mental health.

“We put Covid-19 on suicide watch after we got word that it was having some alarming conversations with its friends and family,” we were told by our source, “just as a precaution. Of course we all ultimately want to wipe out Covid-19, but we have a duty to make sure we take care of everyone’s mental health, and eradicating coronavirus doesn’t mean we have to let it spiral into suicidal depression, does it?”

Trump Jr. already suffers from Chronic Jizz Face, a genetic disorder that makes one’s face look like they’re taking a hot, steamy load to it, and doctors are unsure what, if anything, Covid-19 will do to his CJF.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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