Coronavirus Update: Area Flasher Desperate for Parks to Open Up Again

NOIX NUES, LOUISIANA — Chad Stripley has really not enjoyed his time under coronavirus quarantine, and he’s made that very clear at every chance he’s been given. Chad has called into city council meetings that were being held via video teleconference to voice his frustrations. Stripley says he’s been “left feeling limp” and he’s “quite sure the road back will only be harder and stiffer” if the town he lives in doesn’t lift their mandatory shelter in place orders soon.

“Many of us absolutely depend on a free and open society to live,” Chad told us in a Skype interview, “and it’s not just businesses, though I do find myself quite sympathetic their cause right now. I told the city council in their last meeting that I cannot do my job — which I consider to be essentially with or without a pandemic — if they don’t at the very least open all the parks back up.”

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Stripley is not currently employed, but he didn’t lose his job as a result of COVID-19. In fact, Jack said, he was jobless for several years before the coronavirus made its way to America. Stripley has, however, spent most early afternoons in his town’s parks, showing his genitals to anyone who wasn’t interested in seeing his genitals. He’s called his “flashing” his job for the last couple of years, Jack told us.

“It’s now been almost three months since I showed some rando my junk, and I have to ask, are my rights being trampled upon,” Stripley asked us. “Am I being oppressed? The Constitution talks of ensuring domestic tranquility, and I’m not tranquil unless someone is running in terror away from my crotch dangles, goddamnit!”

Mr. Stripley tells us that his friends and neighbors have called and said they miss seeing him in the park when they were out and about.

“They all told me they didn’t want to see my penis anymore,” Chad admitted, “but they also said that it was weird not being forced to see my penis anymore, and that made them feel even more depressed about life in the coronavirus times.”

Chad says that he’s considering a protest if the city council doesn’t acquiesce to his demands to re-open the city’s parks. Instead of showing up bearing arms like some recent quarantine protests in other parts of the country, Chad will be showing his “bare baby arm,” he said. However, he’s not sure he wants to get arrested for indecent exposure while protesting his right to commit indecent exposure.

“Look, some might call me a radical. They might say I’m a revolutionary. I don’t know about all that,” Stripley opined. “I just know that this is America. That freedom isn’t free, but it also should not cost us everything. Right now, it’s costing me so much it might as well be everything. If I’m not out there, every day, hustlin’, showin’ my hang-down to every person who doesn’t want to see my hang-down, my life is meaningless, and I don’t…I don’t know what I’ll do if this goes on much longer.”

The city council’s next meeting is scheduled for next month. This story will be updated if new details arise.

UPDATE: No YOU’RE Drinking Too Much During the Coronavirus Quarantine, Asshole!

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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