Cornelius Fudge Says Coronavirus Seems Well Contained and Magical Economy Can Re-Open ‘Immediately’

ENGLAND, THE WIZARD WORLD — Former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge gave an interview to The Daily Prophet this week that is garnering quite a bit of attention among wizards and witches. In the interview, Fudge — who infamously denied the return of Lord Voldemort despite mounting evidence for months before finally admitting the truth — believes that from what he’s seen the coronavirus pandemic has been contained well enough that the magical economy can be “reopened immediately.”

“I don’t personally see any coronavirus. Do you? I defy anyone alive today who isn’t a scientist with one of those Muggle magnification devices to tell me that they’ve personally seen a single coronavirus,” Fudge argued. “To be quite frank, I’m not even really sure COVID-19 is in the magical world. I don’t see any reason to believe that, anyway.”

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Former Minister Fudge says that he worries about “all the unintended death” from keeping the economy closed.

“Why are we talking about helping people out with rent and mortgage payments when we can simply shove them back out into the workforce and let them play a game of COVID Roulette,” Fudge asked. “I remember a time in this world when we let people just get sick and die if they were going to. Sure, that was before we had the advanced healing spells we have today, but if it was good enough to let a few hundred thousand people die from wizard pox or witch’s polio, then it’s good enough for a few hundred thousand to die from COVID!”

While Fudge is not alone in his belief that the magical economy can open up sooner rather than later, many do not share his belief that the coronavirus outbreak has been contained well enough to open it back up full-throttle. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has one of the magical world’s most famous and trusted research facilities. According to Professor Pomona Sprout told reporters she thinks Fudge is “off his rocker” for suggesting enough progress has been made to contain the coronavirus that the magical economy can fully open back up.

“Cornelius has always had a bit of a thing where he can’t see the forest for the trees,” Sprout explained, “and I don’t think this is any different.”

The issue of whether people should be forced back to work is one that puts Fudge in the company of wizards like Lucius Malfoy.

“As long as we’re forcing just the Muggles and Mudbloods to get exposed to the virus,” Malfoy said recently, “I don’t see what the big deal is. No real loss there, if you know what I mean.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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