Have You Seen Any Job Openings Where I Can Kill People While Unvaccinated?

The following editorial was submitted to this publication by Officer Darrel Dicchest, who just last week announced that he would be retiring from the police force after being a cop on the beat for 22 years. Officer Dicchest’s editorial is reprinted below, verbatim. It does not express the views and opinions of this publication, its ownership, or staff.

Over the course of the last two-plus decades of my career in law enforcement, I’ve gotten to know countless men and women who tirelessly put on their badge, grab their gun, and harass homeless people, give out tickets to people when warnings would suffice, and treat people of color with just a soupcon more skepticism and knee-jerk suspicion. And each one of us dreamed of beating unarmed suspects into submission, and downright killing them if we felt, you know, um, threatened or whatever, until we were literally too old or tired to do the job.

Thanks to the tyrannical overreach of the Biden administration and my local health officials, though, that dream for me — and countless other badged thugs — is over. This week, I tendered my resignation, effective today. I would rather not work as a cop if it means I have to get a vaccine I’m not sure I want to get, and my love of true blue American freedom prevents me from submitting to authority like I demand literally every single person I encounter submit to mine.

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Vaccine mandates are literally like if Hitler came back from the grave and made us get on a train. I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel, and I do not care how stupid that makes me sound! It’s my belief and I’m going to speak it. This is still America until Biden changes that too!

The problem, is, though, that I’m only 42 years old. I’m a long way off from my pension, and I have a very limited set of professional skills that I developed as a cop. So, I’m writing this today to ask the American people if they or their friends have seen any job postings for positions where I’d fit in, and if you do, can you send them to me?

Mainly, I’m looking for a gig where I can murder people, with impunity (that’s the tricky part!), and not be forced to get a vaccine. I know there are probably jobs where I don’t have to get vaccinated, and I’m even sure there are jobs where I can kill people without any consequences; I just held one for the last 22 years. But I really, really need to be able to kill people while unvaccinated; it’s not an either/or situation, unfortunately.

If you, or anyone you know, finds such a job listing, please send it my way. Until then, you can find me in the “Trump Really Won If You Don’t Count All The Votes That Hurt Our Feelings” group on Facebook.

Thanks for your attention to this serious matter.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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