Adorable! This Cop Just Tear-Gassed The Protesters He Knelt With Less Than 12 Hours Ago!

This is one of the cutest things you’ll ever see, and we’re not even going to ask you to thank us when you’re doing reading it, that’s how great we are as human beings!

Anyway, apparently there’s been, like, all kinds of civil unrest in the United States the last couple of weeks because a lot of people seem to be kinda over that whole “police can do whatever they want” thing. Especially because cops just seem incapable of treating unarmed black suspects as well as they treat armed white suspects. There’ve been protests all over the country because of a cop rested his heroic knee on unarmed black suspect George Floyd’s neck for almost nine minutes.

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Which brings us to the whole reason you’re here now, of course! Take a look at that amazing photo at the top of this article. Normally, it takes a basket full of kittens, or a sloth eating a banana for Internet content to be considered “adorable,” but not today! This is probably the most adorable picture you’ll see today, and you can’t find a single kitten or sloth in it!

The picture shows Lt. Mitch Michaelson of the Sandsky County Police Department tear-gassing protesters to get them to disperse away from city hall. There were no reports of violence or property damage, but the local city council was afraid there might possibly be some damage, and ordered Lt. Michaelson and his cohorts to sweep out the protesters by any means necessary.

What makes this picture extra-special in its preciousness is that no more than twelve hours ago, Michaelson was photographed kneeling with the very same protesters he gassed. Witnesses on the scene say it was “horrific and extremely fucked-up” watching Lt. Michaelson come out in riot gear and firing tear gas canisters at the exact same people who he told he supported their right to peacefully protest. However, most of the witnesses agreed that while it may have been horrific, it was also totes adorbs.

“On the one hand,” one eyewitness speaking on the condition of anonymity to avoid retribution from the police told us, “it was kinda frightening to think about him being able to gas everyone after he just did this big performative show of solidarity with us by kneeling. On the other hand, he just looked so cute in all his Big Boy Riot Gear! So I guess it’s a 50/50 situation, isn’t it?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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