If He Can’t Murder Whoever He Wants, Whenever He Wants, You’re On Your Own, Rape Victims

He’s a hero. Everyone he ever meets tells him he’s a hero. So why would Lt. Frank Biedemup think he’s anything except a hero? And, as a hero, Lt. Biedemup thinks, no he believes, that he has the right to kill with impunity. The badge he puts on his blue shirt every day declares that right to all who see it, Frank could be overheard telling friends and family at a picnic that did not observe social distancing guidelines this past weekend, and quite candidly all this talk of reforming the police and limiting their ability to use deadly force with no consequences is really making Lt. Biedemup quite sick.

In fact, he’s so sick at the idea of not being able to kill whoever he wants, whenever he wants, that Biedemup is convinced he’s come down with a raging case of “blue flu.” He might just have to call out sick tomorrow, even though he doesn’t have a fever or any other symptoms of a real disease. Still, better to be cautious, since he’s feeling so gall-darned unappreciated right now, and feeling disrespected is one of the leading indicators of a case of blue flu.

MORE: Basic White Woman Who’s Never Interacted With Cops Against Defunding Them

“I mean, sure, me not being out there tomorrow means that someone might get raped and I won’t be there to help,” Lt. Biedemup was heard as he fiddled with the hot dog on his plate, “but you know what? I’m sick and darn tired of being asked questions about when I use deadly force, okay? I’m a little fed up with murdering someone, and then having to answer a bunch of questions from a lot of nobodies just because I, pffffffffft, like, swore an oath to protect them or whatever. So, no one’s totally happy right now, know what I mean?”

Instead of defunding the police, Lt. Biedemup wants cities and towns to “over fund” them.

“Obviously since we’ve been spending billions and billions of dollars on more and more militarized equipment for our law enforcement officers and there’s still violent crime,” Biedemup explained, “there’s only one thing we can and should do — spend even more billions and even more military equipment. Duh. It’s like when you keep biting your own dick when you try to put it in your mouth after you had some ribs removed because it’s not enough to feel people licking your boots, you wanna feel yourself lick your own schpepp, and you know the solution is to take more ribs out so you can get even more of your own dick in your mouth. Man, I’m as good at analogies as I am at not violating constitutional freedoms and shit!”

When Lt. Biedemup’s superiors got wind of what he said during this interview, he was investigated and given a promotion.

Selfish Fuck Oppressed by Polite Request to Wear Face Mask in Public

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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