Cop Would Rather Resign and Only Beat His Wife If He Can’t Have a Tank and Machine Gun At Work

KEITEL, MINNESOTA — Lt. Chad Jughedd is “about as pissed off” as he’s ever been, he told us during a Skype interview this weekend. Lt. Jughedd has been on the police force of his local Minnesota town for the last four years, and he says he was recently “shaken to the very core” of his being when he heard that Minneapolis, just an hour north of him, had voted to defund its police force in response to the tragic death of George Floyd, an unarmed black suspect killed by a white officer like Chad, kneeling on Floyd’s neck as he was detained on suspicion of trying to spend counterfeit money. There is no death penalty for counterfitting.

“Being a cop is a hard job, let me tell you. They give you a badge, and a gun, but then expect you to know all these rules about using them and how,” Chad told us. “Why can’t you just let us be cops, and you all be the doe-eyed, easily cowed simpletons we boss around? It’s a very good arrangement for all parties.”

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Lt. Chad says that he has seen calls for defunding police departments on social media, and says that’s a “terrible idea.” In short, Chad says that defunding police forces so that communities can get those resources and use them differently might lead to staff layoffs, and he could be one of them. That, Chad said, would leave him devastated, and he summed up his feelings on the matter rather bluntly.

“Defund my balls, you ungrateful cunts,” Lt. Jughedd said. “Protect and serve my cock into your face, you jerks.”

If local municipalities start spending less on law enforcement, that could mean a lack of militarized equipment. Even though his own force owns half a dozen heavily-armed vehicles and dozens of automatic weapons, Lt. Jughedd says “it’s never enough,” and that cops “need more war time weapons, not fewer.”

“What kind of country values liberty but doesn’t give its law enforcement officers chemical agents and automatic weapons to use on their own free citizens,” Chad asked incredulously. “That’s not my America!”

Lt. Jughedd says that if he starts getting the feeling that his city council will start reducing his force’s budget, he’ll just resign. He’d rather “quit and rage masturabte to videos of looters” than not get to play with tanks and machine guns, he said. Chad said that there’s also someone else who may “pay the price” for his police department having its funding cut in any way — his wife.

“If I quit the force, there goes a whole lot of beatings I don’t get to inflict on people. I used to just beat the shit out of my wife when I’d get so drunk I could feel all the pain of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my own violent, authoritarian parents,” Lt. Jughedd  said. “That all stopped when I could take my pent-up rage out on average citizens. She was hella stoked about the lack of black eyes. But now, I guess I’ll just beat the fuck out her again. Hey, I’d love to keep spreading the wealth, but I guess my wife will just have to take all your beatings now, too, huh?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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