Conway Corrects Trump After He Thinks He’ll Be Hunting Women’s Genitalia At WH Easter Egg Hunt

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House counselor, and 2002’s winner of the Best Skeletor Look-Alike Award, Kellyanne Conway, recently had to correct her boss, Co-President Donald J. Trump when he’d gotten the wrong impression about what happens at the annual White House Easter egg hunt.

“Folks, let me tell you something about this year’s Easter thing,” Trump said, “because I am truly, very excited about it. They just gave me the details, and, really folks, YOWZA. Just…YOWZA.”

Speaking to an assembled group of CEOs from various Fortune 500 companies, Trump spoke briefly about the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt, which is traditionally held on the lawn of the president’s residence each year. 2017 will mark the first time Mr. Trump gets to host the festivities. During the meeting, he told the CEOs in the room, and a handful of right-wing press outlets that were given access to the meeting, about some of his favorite details of this year’s hunt.

“It’s gonna be so yuge,” Trump said, “just, bigly yuge. We’re gonna have the Easter Bunny. We’re gonna have white chocolate because Steve says the dark chocolate makes him anxious. We’re going to have balloons. We’re gonna have a giant Jesus crypt with a big round stone and everything. Oh, and I’m told I get to grab some woman named Peg in her chooch.”

The air seemed to leave the room when Trump said the word “chooch.” Everyone stopped and looked around. There was a palpable air of confusion in the room.

“Was it something I said,” Trump asked, genuinely befuddled, “because my aide Emily told me that. And Ms. Litella doesn’t make stuff up, folks.”

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Ms. Conway came running into the room, shouting, “No! No! No!” at the top of her lungs.

“Mr. Co-President, stop,” Conway said, “just stop! I need to speak to you please, in private.”

Conway ushered Trump out of the room for a moment. When she and the co-president re-entered both were calm and sedate.

“Oops, everyone,” Trump said, “I need to apologize. I totally misheard Emily. Old ears, know what I mean? I guess we’re gonna hunt eggs. But just for the record if there are any ladies named Peg out there who need me to grab their chooch, come on down to the White House. Hell, if you’re named Peg, have a chooch, and don’t want me to grab it, come on down. We all know I like to grab ’em whether they’re willing or not. And remember, I get to do this now because I’m the president. The big boy president! Steve said so!”

The White House Easter Egg Roll will be held on Easter Sunday, and a lottery to win tickets to it has been established. The White House website has all the details.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This