Kellyanne Conway: Bowling Green Attackers Were Covfefe Immigrants

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senior Trump official Kellyanne Conway attempted to explain one of her bosses most infamous tweets to date. Shortly after midnight eastern time, President Donald Trump sent out what appeared to be a half-finished tweet centered around what he feels is unfair coverage of some issue or another in the press. Almost immediately the Internet seized on one word from the tweet — “covfefe” — and a new meme was born.

Though the president has since deleted the tweet and sent another one casually referencing the sensation, the original tweet was captured in dozens and dozens of screenprints all over the web, like the one below.

This morning during a radio interview, Conway explained that Trump was referencing a tiny country in the Middle East that Steve Bannon was telling him about called the Islamic Republic of Covfefe. Most scholars and even cartographers haven’t heard of Covfefe, Conway conceded, but that’s because most scholars and cartographers “go to liberal indoctrination schools” where the “maps are all government issued or funded.”

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“Covfefe is a very real, very scary place,” Conway told the show’s host, “and in fact, several of the perpetrators of the Bowling Green Massacre were immigrants from Covfefe.”

Ms. Conway was referring to a terror attack that had gone largely unreported until after Trump took office. Some have posited that the press coverage of the Bowling Green Massacre was so spartan because it, in fact, didn’t actually happen. Conway didn’t get into that issue, and instead focused her comments on the Bowling Green terrorists having come from Covfefe.

“In Covfefe,” Conway explained, “there are these large gangs, and the biggest gang has this leader named Jabba the Hutt. He lives in a big, luxurious palace. He keeps women enslaved, dancing half-naked for his delight. Covfefe is a dangerous, scary place. You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy outside the West Wing or Oval Office.”

Conway insisted that Trump didn’t haphazardly and clumsily half-tweet a whining accusation of unfair treatment by the press. Instead, she says that he was about to tell the world about why Covfefe’s role in the Bowling Green Massacre justifies Trump’s embattled so-called “Muslim ban.” The executive order he signed restricting travel into the U.S. from six Muslim majority countries has been routinely smacked down by federal district courts, but Conway says that’s because none of the judges in those cases have had access to the file on Covfefe’s organized crime rings.

“Here’s the truth,” Conway said, “the totally constitutional and lawful travel ban is justified regardless. But it’s extra-super-duper justified when you realize the bastards who attacked us at Bowling Green came from a Muslim majority country that no one has heard of before. We need to not only have the full ban reinstated, we need to add the dangerous and hostile nation Covfefe added to it.”

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In a written statement, the Head Chieftan Sharia Wizard of Covfefe pleaded for “reasonable people to come to the table,” and insisted that all his people should not be punished for the actions of a few.

“It is unfair to punish the innocent women and children fleeing our war-torn country,” Muhammad al Suhir told the world, “but it’s especially unfair to us because a) I’m not even sure we exist and b) I’m pretty sure the Bowling Green Massacre didn’t happen.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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