Conservatives Fume: Obama Supports Idea That People Mostly Use Bathrooms to Piss and S***

CLARKBERG, VIRGINA — Gavin Grimm is a sixteen year old transgender teenager who is suing his high school in Gloucester County, Virginia to gain access to the boy’s restroom. The school has denied Grimm access to the restroom, citing his birth gender, and has asked him to either use the women’s restroom, or the unisex restroom. Grimm and his lawyers argue this is a violation of his civil rights and is discriminatory. Conservatives in Virginia and throughout the country are outraged this week as the Obama administration has come in support of Grimm’s case for access to the bathroom he feels most comfortable using.

In an amicus brief filed jointly by the U.S Department of Education and the Department of Justice, lawyers representing the governmental agencies argued that, “Treating a student differently from other students because his birth-assigned sex diverges from his gender identity constitutes differential treatment on the basis of sex under Title IX.” Immediately after word broke that President Obama’s administration was coming down on the side of Mr. Grimm, outrage erupted in conservative media circles, but later in the day while boarding Air Force One, Obama told reporters that in his estimation, “The school must be forgetting the fundamental reason people go in the restroom. Which is to piss and shit, of course.”

Jerry Bell is a conservative radio host in nearby Clarksberg, Virginia, and his show completely dedicated to the Grimm story and the DOJ and DOE’s brief. Bell says that Obama “isn’t wrong” to presume that the school district is acting like things other than regular biological waste voiding happens in public restrooms, but in his estimation they do it with good reason. “Well, let’s be honest here, we conservatives might think bathrooms are sex orgy rooms,” Bell said on his show this morning,  “but for a very good reason! We keep getting caught fucking other people in bathrooms.” Bell said that their past experience being caught soliciting sex from other people in public restrooms makes conservatives “keenly tuned into the debauchery of mankind.”

“How dare that secret communist Kenyan Muslim insist we let this human being urinate and defecate in a room they feel comfortable doing it in,” was how Suzie Chessnik, who follow’s Bell’s show began her own broadcast today. “That man is asking every God-fearing, ammo-hoarding patriot to put aside their own misgivings about things they do not understand because they’ve never had to confront them before and just allow someone to go poo or pee where they want,” Chessnik told her audience, “and the last man to do something like that was, you guessed it, Adolf Hitler himself, the German Nazi.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters in the morning press briefing that Obama “isn’t trying to be a dick” about this but “clearly some people just have way too much free time on their hands if they are thinking about where teenagers are taking a dump.” Earnest said that “discriminating against someone on the basis of their gender is illegal, and moreover really petty when its over where a kid is going to make a little yellow.”

“We all know that God made it ‘Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner fudge is made’ not, ‘Milk, milk, let the kids take a poop wherever they want without listening to God first and stuff’,” Bell railed on his show. He slapped the table as he howled, “Someone in the Republican Party must stand up to this tyrant soon! I am pretty sure that using the persuasive powers of the United States Government’s top lawyers to intimidate a school district into treating a human being with common courtesy is the precise definition of ‘high crimes and misdemeanors’ that impeachable offenses must meet. So will impeach his Royal Obummerness for this? Who I ask you?!”


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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