SPRINGFIELD, WY — Conservative radio host Chuck Omstand has found himself in a bit of a quandary. Like most conservative radio hosts, Omstand has devoted several hours in the last couple of years defending the shooting of unarmed black people. Whether it was the “thug” out buying iced tea and Skittles when he was accosted and eventually shot in Florida, there was the unarmed black man in Ferguson, Missouri that Omstand argued “got what he had coming to him” because “due process requires following every law on the books to the letter otherwise you’re a hoodlum or Martin Luther King, Jr.” When the unarmed black man was choked to death in New York last year over unpackaged cigarettes, Omstand reminded his viewers that the real travesty of the case was taxation, and not the fact that a compliant man was literally murdered by police officers on film and no punishments were doled out to the cops who did the killing.
But now, he’s not quite sure how to do his job this morning.
There has been another high-profile shooting involving a white police officer and an unarmed, fleeing black man. The video clearly tells a tale that his much different than the officer’s initial story that he was in immediate harm, as it shows the black man being taken down in a hail of gun fire as he fled from the officer. There was no evidence on the anonymous cell phone footage released thus far that shows the officer was in any immediate danger from the fleeing suspect.
“Well, at first,” Omstand told The Political Garbage Chute, “this was a really easy case to defend. The cop said the suspect took his taser and so the cop dropped him. But then I saw the video, and the guy is getting shot at from at least 15 feet away,” the conservative 52-year-old former real estate agent said. “That cop shot that man in the back while he was fleeing, I’m not really sure how to defend that,” Mr. Omstand continued, “and that really worries me.”
“It’s part of my job as a member of the conservative outrage machine to keep spinning stories involving white officers and unarmed black suspects in a positive light for the cops because it really makes using dog-whistle racism as rhetoric so much easier,” the radio host told our interviewer. “In other words — if you can create a world for your listeners in which they’re convinced that roving bands of black men are going around playing ‘The Knockout Game,’ robbing liquor stores and then getting into confrontations with the good, clean, sweet, white folk with badges, leaving those good, clean, sweet, pure and innocent white cops no choice but to summarily execute the black suspects without trial.”
“But this guy got shot over a broken taillight,” Omstand continued, “and that is the exact kind of law that we conservatives are usually outraged by. I mean, who the hell deserves to lose their life over a broken tail light? I mean, before the video came out I just felt deep inside that this was another case of the media wanting to make a bigger deal out of a case that just happened to involve a black suspect and a white cop, and not part of a larger, systemic problem that has been created wherein cops can now kill with impunity,” Omstand paused for a moment. “But now that I’ve seen the video, my whole world view has been shattered. I’m not sure if everything I’ve been told or have been saying is true. What if that kid in Ferguson was baited into a confrontation? Maybe it doesn’t matter that his hands were up or not; he was executed by a man with a gun when he could have just as easily been incapacitated. I’m so confused now.”
Then, at that very moment, a flash came across Omstand’s phone from World News Daily’s website. There was a new rumor circulating that one of the emails deleted from Hillary Clinton’s personal server was a confession that she knows what happened to Vince Foster, she and Bill are both secret communists after all, and that she personally teleported into Benghazi and shot Ambassador Chris Stevens herself so there’d be no witnesses. Omstand immediately changed tone and said, “Well, enough of that silly shit no one cares about. Time to go blather for 3 hours about Benghazi and the evils of socialism, take care!”