WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the days and hours before the botched Republican attempt to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer often referred to his boss as “The Closer.” However, word from the Hill is that many members of his own party think that Co-President Donald Trump’s nickname should be modified slightly, and have begun quietly lobbying the White House to make those changes.
“It’s really easy, actually,” one anonymous source told the media this weekend, “all they have to do is drop the C from ‘Closer’ and we get a much more accurate description of the co-president. He obviously can’t close anything anymore. Some of us are starting to get the funny feeling like he was never any good at what he said he was, but how could we have possibly known that without paying attention to media sources that don’t confirm our biases for us?”
Another Congressional Republican, speaking on condition of anonymity and paying his NRA fees for the next year, told us that if Trump wants to have a nickname that starts with “C,” he can think of a few.
“Coward, choke-artist,” the Republican congressman told us, “and of course, the one that you can only say in certain company. You know, it rhymes with the play in baseball where the batter tries to just barely nudge the ball? We could definitely call him that.”
Several members of the Freedom Caucus, largely considered the most conservative group of legislators, are also unhappy with Co-President Trump tweeting a harsh criticism of them over the weekend.
Democrats are smiling in D.C. that the Freedom Caucus, with the help of Club For Growth and Heritage, have saved Planned Parenthood & Ocare!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 26, 2017
“You know, I’d prefer it if our president stuck to criticizing the Democrat Party,” one anonymous Republican congressman told us, “instead of bashing us. We like it when he bashes people, don’t get us wrong, we love it, actually. We’d just prefer that he bash Crooked Hillary or liberal Americans in general, you understand.”
Mostly, Republicans on the Hill seem to be convinced that Trump’s nickname of, “The Closer” has been permanently damaged with the American Health Care Act debacle.
“He told us we’d get tired of winning,” one congressman said, “but I don’t call getting your Muslim ban struck down twice, and getting your ass handed to you on Obamacare repeal to be winning. I call it losing. He’s not a closer. He’s a closer minus the ‘C.’ A big, fat, orange, fuckin’ loser.”
The White House declined official comment, though they said this story is fake news, and therefore Trump will tweet about it over the next couple of days, as if it were true. Then he’ll blame President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and pretty much everyone but himself for tweeting the blatantly false bullshit. Oh well. America was fun for awhile.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.