Congressional Republican Explains Why Poor Kids Don’t Need Both Food and An Education

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When PBS reported that House Republicans have begun considering a bill that could severely cut back on the number of free meals offered to low-income students in the nation’s schools, a public outcry started to mount. The Republican National Committee asked one of their newest freshman representatives in the House to deliver some talking points to a press conference this morning. The purpose of the press conference, the RNC said in a statement released before the presser, was to “put to rest” any concerns parents might have about a lack of nutrition in poor children’s school days.

“Here’s the thing,” Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R-OH) told the media, “we all know this government has a spending problem. It certainly doesn’t have a ‘Rich People Stashing Trillions In Offshore Accounts From Panama To Switzerland’ problem. So the only way to dig out of a spending problem is to cut spending. This means, sadly, some tough choices have to be made.”

Choices, Rep. Thompaulsen said, like choosing between whether poor kids “need to be smart or need to have food in their stomachs.”

“Money doesn’t grow on trees,” Thompaulsen said, “and what do you want us to do — go and ask rich people for a couple more cents on their dollar? What country do you think this is? The Socialist regime left last month, and there’s a new sheriff in town who understands poor kids don’t really need food and education.”

Thompaulsen explained that most poor kids probably wouldn’t get out of the lower class anyway, meaning they’d be stuck in menial, dead-end retail and food service jobs. Those careers don’t need advanced schooling, Thompaulsen explained. He said it’s “tantamount to criminality” to expect someone with “more money than God to pony up an extra nickel” when the budgeting committees can just “cut a few meals out here and there.”

“Does little Susie Dirtypoorface have to learn how to spell ‘hamburger’ in order to take your order for one,” Thompaulsen asked rhetorically.

When reporters started peppering Rep. Thompaulsen with questions about the ethical nature of punishing poor children for their parents’ spending habits, he get quite testy and began answering with increasing levels of anger. At one point, Thompaulsen snapped and unleashed a tirade on the pool.

“What, you want your kids to be fed AND educated, LIBTARDS,” Thompaulsen demanded, “It’s the United States of America, not the United States Of Give-Me-More-Ica! Those eight year olds should get jobs if they want to eat AND learn, like we had to, damnit!”

Rep. Thompaulsen ended the press conference early so he could get to a fundraising luncheon being hosted by an oil industry lobbyist in his honor, after which he’d get a taxpayer-funded Lyft ride back to his office, where he’d get a taxpayer-funded hand job from a taxpayer provided intern named Chad.





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