Congressional GOP Hastily Prepping Bible Stack, Witch Cakes For Clinton’s Benghazi Testimony

SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS — When Hillary Clinton, former Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic presidential candidate, testifies before the House Select Committee investigating the September 11th, 2012 attack on a consular building in Benghazi, Libya, the political machinery in the U.S. will likely reach critical mass. Both Republicans and Democrats are highly anticipating Ms. Clinton’s testimony, her second such time appearing before a committee on Benghazi in the last four years. The first appearance was when she now famously demanded rhetorically to know “what difference” the issues being brought up by Republicans on the committee would have made during the attack.

When Clinton agreed to appear before Rep. Trey Gowdy’s committee this week, the Hill was abuzz with speculation over many particulars of her testimony. Gowdy himself tried to stoke the fires of political turmoil when he released an email to the press that implied Clinton may have used her personal email server to disseminate classified information, and he also decided to move the venue of the hearings from Washington to the historic town of Salem, Massachusetts, citing the town’s “historical relationship to finding out the truth about people like Hillary Clinton” in a press release from his office. Now, word has hit the press that Gowdy and his fellow House Republicans have also concocted several “special interrogative devices” for Clinton’s testimony.

“We are moving as quickly as possible to bake several dozen witch cakes and to gather up as many copies of the Holy Bible as possible,” Gowdy told reporters at a press conference Monday morning. Gowdy told reporters he has served Ms. Clinton with a subpoena for each family pet she and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, have. The South Carolina Republican said he’ll feed the witch cakes to all of the Clintons’ pets and if the dog or cat bites Clinton, he’ll “know for a fact she’s hiding darkness and evil in her heart.”

Gowdy said the cakes will be prepared in the “traditional way” by using former New York Senator’s urine and some rye meal. He said he also plans to have “every single Bible within a two-hundred mile radius” of the courthouse where the hearings are being held stacked onto a large scale. Then he said, he’ll have Ms. Clinton stand on another scale, and if she is either lighter or heavier than the stack of holy books, she’ll “have nowhere to run” and will have to “fess up to her crimes,” said Gowdy.

“We know Ms. Clinton is hiding something,” Gowdy told reporters, “and even though three years and literally millions of dollars in investigations and hearings haven’t turned up a steaming pea shooter, let alone a smoking gun, we will spare no expense at continuing this investigation. Because yes, sure, it looks like a political crusade, and yes it sounds like a political crusade, and sure, in practice it was been a political crusade, but that doesn’t make it a political crusade, does it,” he asked rhetorically adding, “I mean, just because there have now been two Republicans who have admitted that this is just a partisan attack group we’ve got going here, does that mean we’re just partisan political actors doing our part to weaken the presidential campaign of one our most feared rivals?”

Gowdy said to reporters that in the final analysis, he and his fellow Republicans “just want to get to the bottom of whatever truth it is we think there is to find, and any lack of evidence to support our theories is clearly just proof of the conspiracy we’re ginning up so don’t go there girlfriend.”