Confused Trump Tries To Literally Get Into Bed With Michele Bachmann, Kicks Daughter Out First

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Things got almost immediately awkward between Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann, and Trump’s daughter Ivanka when Donald misunderstood the meaning of an old political axiom, “Politics makes for strange bedfellows.”

This week, the Trump campaign announced that it had formed an “evangelical advisory board” and that former Congresswoman Bachmann and the son of Jerry Falwell would be among those on it. A Trump aide speaking on the condition of anonymity and a Bass Pro Shops gift card told one newspaper that when one high-level campaign official broke the news to Trump that Bachmann had agreed to work with him, he told Trump that “Michele’s agreed to get into bed with us,” which Trump took as a purely sexual remark.

“Well, that’s definitely not what I expected when I asked her to be on the evangelical board,” Trump reportedly told the campaign official, “but hey, I’m game. I bet Melania’s game. But someone’s going to have to break it to poor Ivanka.”

For the next couple of hours, the Trump aide says that the alleged billionaire hemmed and hawed over how to break the news to his daughter that she had to find a new bed to sleep in.

“The guy’s a walking, talking shart in an unconvincing toupee,” the Trump staffer said, “so of course if there’s something he’s uncomfortable doing, he’s going to whine and beg and plead and buy someone off to do it.”

Finally, Trump was able to find a low level, unpaid intern who agreed to break the news to his daughter for him.

“Tell her gently,” Trump told the intern, “she takes things much easier when you’re gentle about it.”

The intern solemnly nodded, then set out to find Ivanka. When the intern found her, he pulled her aside and broke the news. She took it, according to the anonymous source, “quite well.” However, she still went straight to her father to address him and the issue of Ms. Bachmann’s sleeping arrangements. She found Trump already in bed, waiting for Bachmann.

“Daddy,” Ivanka told Donald, “Michele’s not really going to get into bed with you. She’s not even related to you. It’s just a turn of phrase, Daddy. Now, can I have a million dollars, I want to go buy a pony farm!”

Trump handed Ivanka a million dollars in a suitcase that he keeps by his desk at all times for “emergencies and also to fondle while masturbating,” according to the anonymous aide.

“Whatever you say, Sweetie,” Trump reportedly told Ivanka, “but just in case you’re wrong — and I know as a Trump you are NEVAH, EVAH WRONG — but in case you are, stay outta my bed for the next few days. I wanna see if she shows up.”

Bachmann ran a famously disastrous presidential campaign of her own in 2012, a highlight of which was when she claimed to have evidence that vaccines cause cognitive and mental health issues, without ever presenting any evidence for her claims.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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