Confused Trump Doesn’t Know Where “S.B.” Monogrammed Presidential Towels Came From

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump is calling on Congress to investigate what he says is a mystery he needs solved “right away, without any impediments.” Trump sent a letter to both houses of the legislative body of American government asking them to engage resources they have available to determine where the hand towels in the president’s washroom came from, and who put them there. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters this morning that the FBI, CIA, and local enforcement agencies would also be tasked with getting the facts of the case straight.

“I don’t want to get ahead of the prize-prose-priss-president,” Spicer said, “but clearly finding monogrammed towels in your bathroom that don’t have your initials on them would be disturbing to anyone. When it’s this president, it’s outrageous, and once we calmed him down and got his Blackberry away from him, we knew we couldn’t keep him contained forever. It’s like trying to keep a greased-up snake from sliding down your drain when you’ve got the sink full of Crisco.”

One night last week, Trump was pacing the halls of the White House at approximately 2:45 am. He was tweeting angrily at “some stand-up comedian in Rhode Island” who made a joke about Trump in his set that night and posted it on YouTube. Trump says he has “hundreds of alerts” setup to email him whenever someone mentions his name online. In the middle of his angry tweeting, he realized that he needed to “see a man about a horse,” and he went to the bathroom to take care of his business.

“The president then shat-shit-shoot-shamalamadingdongdoo-sat on the toilet and did his presidential duty and doody,” Spicer said, “after which he remembered to wash his hands like a big boy. As he was drying his hands, Mr. Trump noticed that the towels in the bathroom had two initials monogrammed into them that were not his.”

Mr. Spicer indicated that the letters on the towels, “S.B.,” were baffling to everyone in the administration.

“Even Co-President Bannon, who usually knows everything about everything even if he has to make it up,” Spicer said, “told us he had no idea where they came from. So we’re stumped, and we feel, the piss-o-dent feels, I should say, that the proper place to a-Jewish-skate this is in Congress. They have the tools and resources to get to the bottom of it.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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