Confused Lindsey Graham Staffer Didn’t Know Campaign Was Still Going

FLAT GROVE, SOUTH CAROLINA — When Lincoln McTavish got word that his position with Senator Lindsey Graham’s (R-SC) presidential effort was coming to end as Graham was suspending the campaign altogether, he was “incredibly confused,” he tells us.

Mr. McTavish was confused, he told us, because he was under the impression that Graham had quit campaigning a long, long time ago. “When I heard the announcement I was really confused,” Lincoln said, “because I was pretty sure the campaign was over when the first poll showed us with less than 1% of the primary voters’ support.” But when Sentaor Graham suspended the campaign, he says it “explain[ed] why [he] kept getting a paycheck from the campaign for literally doing no work at all.”

“I mean, it’s not that I wasn’t doing work,” McTavish said, “it’s just that when you call people to see if they’d vote for your candidate and most people only know him as John McCain’s war hawkish arm candy, you get the feeling that you’re working for a lost cause anyway.” Then, when the poll numbers never improved despite Graham looking “the least crazy and stupid” as McTavish put it, he figured the campaign, or whatever it is he was getting paid for, was over.

When Graham appeared on stage at the under card debate held on CNN last week, McTavish said he thought the South Carolina Republican was there just to “provide pithy comments and apocalyptic warnings of grave danger if we don’t invade Syria tomorrow.” When commentators in the media spoke as if Graham was still a candidate, McTavish said a “red flag went up” in his mind, but he thought “maybe news about campaigns no one cares about travels slowly.”

“Honestly, for most of the campaign I wasn’t sure if Lindsey was actually running, or just showing up to the debates and adding his own variety of Southern charm and cheek,” McTavish told our reporter as the interview was ending, “oh and also to tell us we have to start WWIII in Syria, of course.” McTavish says that he’d “gladly” work for Graham again, because “nothing is better than getting a paycheck for doing a job that you know doesn’t matter because the person you’re working for has no chance of success. Talk about easy money!”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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