BOW RING, KENTUCKY — Clem O’Connell is a very confused evangelical Christian Republican. Clem recently took a test sent to him by a mutual friend of Newt Gingrich’s and the results have him “confuzzled like you wouldn’t believe,” O’Connel says.
“I took Newt’s proposed Sharia Law test,” O’Connell told our reporters, “and the dang thing said I’m a believer in Sharia Law.” Gingrich has suggested in the wake of the Dallas shooting that left several police officers dead that America should administer tests to every person of Muslim faith and if they adhere to Sharia law, they should be deported. O’Connell took the test, he says, “to prove to libtards it’s not biased or un-American.”
Clem said he is confused how the results can show what they did, given that he is a Christian, and Sharia Law pertains to the Muslim faith. We explained to Clem that technically Christians and Muslims worship the same God, an Abrahamic one, and that certain religious tenets are indeed shared between Christians and those of the Islamic faith. Mr. O’Connell balked at this notion.
“Oh sure,” Clem said, “you libtarded libtards with your libtard brainwashing academies — known as colleges to libtards — will point to your religious history books and your so-called facts but clearly Muslims and Christians are totally different.”
Clem then gave us an extensive list of why he couldn’t possibly believe in Sharia Law, as a Christian.
“For starters,” Clem said, “they have Sharia Law, and we talk about the Ten Commandments. Of course, there are similar rules in both — like adultery being a sin against Godand what not, but that’s where the similarities end.”
Then, after a moment, Clem thought of a couple other areas where Sharia Law is “pretty compatible” with Christian biblical teachings.
“Okay, so in Sharia they are very clear about the subservient role women should play in society,” O’Connell admitted, “and there are tons of passages in the Bible about how wives should obey their husbands, and rape victims are pretty much just married off as some kind of punishment to the man. So yeah, the innate misogyny in both is something I guess we could agree is God’s way of doing things, sure.”
O’Connelll, upon deeper thought, found a few more ways in which his Christian faith seemed to dovetail with Sharia Law.
“In Sharia, I’m told that Islam is considered supreme above all all other religions,” Clem said, “and that pretty goes along with the commandment in the Bible of not taking any false Gods before the one, true, American-approved God. So okay, there’s another similarity, I guess.”
Then we handed O’Connell a short synopsis of the basic rules of Sharia Law, and his jaw hit the floor.
“Well, here I thought it was only red states that understood the value of letting young girls get married before they’re 18,” O’Connell said while pointing to the rule in Sharia Law allowing underage marriage, “so there’s another way I guess I could find some common ground with Sharia Law.”
After about thirty minutes and notating that both Sharia and Christian law insist on a form of tithing, and that blasphemy against the name of God is forbidden, as well as numerous other places they have ideologically common ground, Clem bowed his head. He took two deep breaths.
Then, with a sigh, Clem said with some resignation in his voice, “Okay, I guess I do believe in Sharia Law, at least parts of it. So I hope Trump doesn’t win now, I’d hate to be deported for my religious beliefs. For some reason, that seems un-American to me now.”