Conflicted Trump Supporter Unsure Whether to Support Victims or Attacker in Finsbury Park Attack

HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell, a devout Trump supporter and semi-successful right-wing podcast host, recently told his audience that he’s not sure whether he should support the victim or the attacker in the Finsbury Park attack in London over the weekend. On his “Totally Right Biased” podcast, Clem told listeners that normally he’d have no problem condemning the act of terror, but that since the assailant was targeting Muslims, he just wasn’t sure “whose side to pick.”

“The thing is,” Clem reasoned, “we all know that acts of terror are only carried about Muslims. If a white guy or a Christian does it, we know by default, automatically, without any other details necessary, that it’s a lone wolf or mental illness factor of some sort at play. This attack, if I’m being honest fam, makes me uneasy, because I don’t know whose side to pick.”

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The attack in Finsbury Park has so far claimed the life of one victim, a 17 year old Muslim girl. London police are reporting several other serious injuries as well. The attack took place when a 48-year-old white man allegedly plowed into a crowd of Muslims practicing their faith in Finsbury Park. The man was pulled from the car that was used as a weapon and arrested on attempted murder charges. There are reports that he was shouting anti-Muslim things during and after the attack.

NBC News filed a report on the incident.

“We saw the van speeding up and we thought maybe he was late for work or wanting to catch the traffic light, but suddenly he turned to the mosque side,” Hasm, who works at the London’s Qatari Embassy, told NBC News. “He hit the people, there were three people on the floor, then he moved on and there were another five or six on the floor.” (source)

Clem spoke to his conflicted feelings during the podcast.

“It’s like, I want to support the innocent victims, but they’re Muslims,” Clem said, “and clearly every Muslim has brought this on themselves by choosing to be Muslim! Don’t they realize they instantly become terrorists and terrorist supporters just by being tangentially related to some murderous, barbaric assholes?”

Clem said that while he condemns all acts of terror, he also understands where the attacker “was coming from.”

“I mean, we keep getting told over and over by people like Dear Leader that Muslims are bad,” Clem said, “and they’re so bad they have to be stopped from entering this country. So who can really blame a guy for listening to all that rhetoric and then, you know, trying to commit an act of mass murder. Is it not in the Bible that the best response to mass murder is more mass murder? Eye for an eye is totes McGotes cool, I think the scripture says.”

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During the “Loony Libtard” segment of his podcast, Clem takes calls from liberals, or as he calls them, “commie stooges.” In this week’s segment, a liberal asked Clem why he’s conflicted about supporting innocent victims and asked if Clem would be willing to lump himself in with the Westboro Baptist Church. The caller also asked if Clem considered himself to be a compatriot of Timothy McVeigh or Dylan Roof.”

“Oh hell no! Nobody better put me in the same box as those whack jobs! They are not true Christians,” Clem shouted, “not at all!”

Ultimately, Clem said he was going to wait to see what Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and the newest blonde with long legs and a plunging neckline tell him to think about the Finsbury Park attack instead of making too many guesses as to what he thinks about it.

“It’s just safer that way,” Clem said, “You know, to let geniuses like them handle all the hard thinking.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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