Confessions of a Liberal Baby Killer

Over the weekend, President Donald Trump held a klan campaign rally in Wisconsin. While Trump delivered his tirade speech, the White House Correspondents Association was hosting its annual dinner banquet, which for the third year running did not include Trump as an attendee. However, Trump made sure to make his own headlines anyway, and during his rally, he told what many considered to be one of his most outlandish, horrific, terrible lies. He said that Democrats are, because of their position on abortion, in favor of killing babies even after they’re born.

“The baby is born. The mother meets with the doctor. They take care of the baby. They wrap the baby beautifully. And then the doctor and the mother determine whether or not they will execute the baby.” (The New York Times)

As much as we Libtarded Americans hate to admit it, though, perhaps it’s time to rip our masks off, and live life in the sunlight. After all, if so many of our Republican brethren can shed their white hoods in favor of red MAGA hats, then we liberals can show our true colors when it comes to abortion. Maybe you’re not all ready to come out of the shadows, but I sure am.

Yes, we liberals and Democrats are unabashedly on a crusade to murder any and all babies we find, not just in hospitals, after they’re born. We won’t stop until we’ve ensured that humans will go extinct in a generation. Some of us do it because of climate change and wanting to minimize the impact humans have on our climate. Some do it to make sure that Republicans don’t out-breed us, thereby keeping Idiocracy satire, and not reality. But, mostly we libtards just love killing babies.

A lot of us get our introduction to baby killing in college, of course. What bastion of anti-American, super-commie thought would be complete without a Margaret Sanger Eugenics and Abortion Hall? Of course, conservatives are super-duper onto us about our collegiate abortion factories, and that’s why they keep their good, clean, ammo hoarding, meat eating American patriot children away from the scourge of educational institutions. But that doesn’t stop us from setting up abortion mills in every university, does it? And thank God we do, because have you seen what aborted fetal tissue is selling for on the Planned Parenthood Officially Sponsored Baby Part Black Market and Exchange (PPOSBPBME)?

Holy shit, you could make a mint!

When you spend most of your days dreaming up ways to find and murder babies, you come up with all sorts of fun plans and scenarios. It’s like April Fool’s Day, except all your pranks end up with beautiful, cherubic little newborn babies totally murdered and stuff. It’s true. I mean, if the President of the United States says it, you have to believe he’s getting the information from a really trustworthy source like Alex Jones or Stephen Miller’s tightly-puckered cornhole. I remember one time a bunch of libtarded friends and I spent a solid week planning different ways to murder all the babies in the tri-county area.

But let’s get down to the specifics of what History’s Smartest President With the Most Normally Shaped Penis let out of the bag about we baby killin’ libtards, shall we?

“The baby is born.”

This is 100% true. And honestly, it’s the key to baby killing be any fun. Sure, regular abortions are light, fanciful events, and we liberals celebrate every one of them with cake and ice cream.  But murdering a baby after it’s been born is just such a cut above all the rest of the infanticide we commit, honestly. You gotta get them born first to really enjoy the sheer pleasure of mass-killing babies, I always say.

“The mother meets with the doctor.”

Again, very true. After every birth in a libtarded hospital, the mother and doctor are immediately whisked away to a secret meeting room. There, they discuss the best methodology by which to murder the baby she just spent nine months carrying to full term. As George Soros so famously told us at Libtardicon 2008, “Get the doctors in on it, and you can murder, like, 10 billion times more babies, fam.”

“They take care of the baby. They wrap the baby beautifully.”

This is a no-brainer and needs absolutely no fact checking. Everyone can agree that when babies are born, the doctors take very good care of them and wrap the babies up beautifully. That’s because no one can really determine which baby to murder until you’ve gotten a good look at them swaddled up like a burrito.

“And then the doctor and the mother determine whether or not they will execute the baby.”

I don’t know how the hell Trump and his fellow Republicans got a hold of our Obama’s Institute of Sharia Voodoo and Post Birth Abortion employee manual, but damn it, they did. So we might as well just fess up to the fact that we’ve made contracts with every major hospital in America to set up secure conference rooms in each one, dedicated to the sole purpose of determining of a newborn baby is worthy to live in our socialist, communist, libtarded utopia.

Hint: Most aren’t, and that’s why we murder so many babies. Duh.

Any questions? Ask Trump. He seems to have all the answers anyway, and he’ll make up the ones he doesn’t have.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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