Recently, the Donald Trump administration published a list of events and activities that will campers/detainees can enjoy during their summer concentration camp stay. The press release accompanying the roster and schedule states that availability is limited to a first-come, first-served basis. Camptainees should also keep in mind that their population is expected to continue growing as the White House fine-tunes and expands the number and “types” of people requiring a stay at one of their summer concentration camps.

The White House press materials state:

• Camptainees are welcome to participate in as many — or as few — activities as they’d like.
• Younger camptainees must not be accompanied by a parent, legal guardian, or anyone who cares about their general health and well-being, as that will only confuse them when they are deprived of those things here at summer concentration camp.
• Non-Christian Camptainees must complete their conversion courses before participating in any camp events.
• Camptainees will be given complimentary courses in prison dentistry and must provide their own antibiotics/vaccines.
• Camptainees are advised that there are no lifeguards on duty, and that the pools are only open to those minors who are unable to swim.

Below is a small sample of the 40 separate events offered by the White House to their summer concentration camptainees.

No-Bath Olympics

Starting the moment you arrive at your summer concentration camp, the No-Bath Olympics are on! There’s no torch lighting ceremony, medals, or even athletic games in this olympiad, however we do blast our national anthem at you every morning and right before you are drugged to sleep, and the camp is kinda like a village. Games range from staph infection marathons to lice wrangling. Winner takes home nothing, because you’re not leaving until you’re sold into the private orphanage system because, you guessed it, these olympics are pro-life!

Turning The Tears You Cry Worrying About Your Parents Into Watercolor Treasures For Your New “Madre” and “Padre”

Do you cry yourself to sleep every night, worried literally sick about your mother and father? Who could blame you? But did you know that you can bottle those tears and they can be used to really make your watercolor paintings pop? Camptainees who want to learn this awesome art technique can sign up in Tent 24.

Taco Bowl Chef-ery

Despite what the FAKE NEWS MEDIA lies to you every day, President-King Donald Trump is a very magnanimous, kind, and very not-racist emperor. As such, he wants you to feel at home as much as possible, even as we punish you for something you didn’t choose to do, and that is ultimately a crime of wanting to make your life less terrible. Part of feeling at home is having access to the foods you know and love from your home country, such as the very authentic and very cool taco bowls, served at Trump Towers™ around the world! Here at summer concentration camp, we’ll teach you how to make the taco bowls yourself, and even give you a special day pass to work for just below what we pay our cooks to make them in any of our fine, 1.5 Star hotels or resorts!

Mueller Report Bonfires

Anyone who knows their history knows that setting fire to things that contain truth is the hallmark of any great republic, Weimar or not. Of course, books scare us in MAGA-Land so our summer concentration camps don’t have any to burn. However, we do have plenty of copies of the Mueller Report, which although written by a conflicted and biased man who hired something like ten trillion angry Democrats for his team, proved once and for all conclusively case closed because NO COLLUSION, and COULD NOT BE PROSECUTED BY DOJ PRECEDENT FOR OBSTRUCTION. So every night we’ll burn another few hundred copies of it, because we definitely do not want Americans reading it for themselves, that’s for darned sure!

Wilderness and Life Without Human Rights Survival Tips

Most summer camps will offer you lessons in how to survive in the wilderness, and we’re no exception here at Trump’s Summer Concentration Camps and Pyramid Schemes! But we offer one more level of superior service. We also teach you how to survive being deprived of your basic human rights and even your human dignity too, as an added bonus! Talk about compassionate conservatism, eh?

Another Story: This Cat Is ‘Pretty Sure’ He’d Be A Better President Than Donald Trump

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.