Conservative Commentator Wonders If Hillary Will Apologize Husband’s White House Farts

LAKE SAC de D’OUCHE, VIRGINIA — Right-wing commentator Dick Ricci believes that Hillary Clinton and every other Democrat who received campaign donations from disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein or donate it charity. Though he voted for Donald Trump last year, Ricci says that he’s a “sexual abuser of a different stripe” and that Trump’s “locker room talk” doesn’t make him a bad guy, like Weinstein’s sexual misconduct does. On an episode of his podcast, “Totally and Completely Biased But For the Right Reasons,” Ricci said he thinks Clinton owes an apology to the American people for another reason.

“Let me ask you this,” Ricci began, “has KILLARY CLINTSTONED ever once apologized for all the times her husband, sexual miscreant Bill “Slick Willy” Clinton, farted in the White House when he was president?”

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Ricci says he is convinced that Clinton and Weinstein must have a “suicide pact of some kind” and that’s why even after the allegations against him came out, Clinton has chosen not to return any donations made by Weinstein.

“Harvey Weinstein probably doesn’t wanna end up on Killary’s totally real, totally confirmed kill list,” Ricci said.

Beyond the Weinstein allegations, Ricci says he’s still “very enraged and incensed by the disrespect” Bill Clinton showed to the presidency while in office. He says the Monica Lewinsky scandal was bad enough, but that he and the people he spends his weekends with in the backroom of a local tobacco shop have postulated that Mr. Clinton must have broken wind more than a million times in the Oval Office and the residence area of the White House.

“And has Hitler-y apologized even once for all those farts,” Ricci asked rhetorically before answering himself, “Hell no she hasn’t! What a shameful display. She won’t return Weinstein’s money, and she’s not even remotely remorseful for her husband’s farts?”

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Mr. Ricci has started a GoFundMe that he hopes other like-minded conservatives will donate to. Its purpose is to investigate the cause of each fart Bill Clinton laid in the White House, where those farts dissipated, and what the impact was on the environment. Ricci believes remnants of Bill Clinton’s farts may have had long reaching impacts on subsequent administrations.

“What if the whole reason George W. Bush looked like an incompetent moron who got us into an illegal war for profit is that he just couldn’t get over the Beef-a-roni smell of Bill’s farts in the Oval Office,” Ricci asked, “Isn’t that a possibility, fam? What if the Deep State is so deep it got burrowed inside Bill’s colon and each fart was a tiny, subliminal message from Saul Alinksy’s ghost and George Soros, fam? The pieces are there, guys, and we just have to put them together.”

Calls to Bill Clinton’s anus  were not returned before publication.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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