White House Doctors Trying To Remove Comey’s Shoe From President’s Rectum

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Authorities at this hour are confirming that White House doctors are scrambling to perform a vital surgery on President Donald J. Trump.

“At approximately 3 AM this morning, we arrived on the scene at the White House and found President Trump in his usual spot at that hour,” Dr. Herbert McGee, Deputy Resident Medical Officer to the President, told reporters. “He refers to it as his Tweeting throne, but the rest of us would commonly refer to it as the toilet.”

When medical staff arrived, Dr. McGee says they found Trump hunched over on the floor, moaning. Rolling the president over, doctors were “shocked and amazed” by what they encountered.

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“President Trump had a rather sizable shoe stuck in his rectum,” McGee said. “We could tell from the shoe and doing some quick forensic work it probably came from someone who is fairly tall. It wasn’t until the surgery was begun that we could examine the shoe. We found a little name plate on the insole. It said ‘J. Comey’ on it.”

It’s unclear at this time exactly how or when former FBI Director James Comey’s foot managed to get itself lodged inside the president’s butt hole. However, White House doctors have a couple of theories. Dr. McGee explained one of their theories this morning.

“We cannot be certain just yet, and we’ll learn more as we investigate, but prior to Mr. Comey’s interview, there was no shoe in Mr. Trump’s stinky, wrinkly brown eye,” Dr. McGee said. “However, by the time the interview was over, there was a shoe wedged up inside the president.”

Dr. McGee was referring to the interview that Comey, who was fired by Trump last year ostensibly for his handling of the Hillary Clinton email probe (though Trump’s story has changed throughout the time since), did with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos. Comey wrote a book entitled “A Higher Loyalty,” and within it he documents his interactions with President Trump, and he makes judgments of Trump’s ethical and moral character.

In the interview, Comey laces into Trump, comparing him to a forest fire that will do “tremendous damage” but perhaps allow “healthy things a chance to grow” after his presidency comes to an end. Comey called Trump obsessed with the infamous Russian prostitute urination tape, and that Trump asked him for personal loyalty to him, and not to the people, which helped inspired the book’s title.

“I liken President Trump in the book to a forest fire. Going to do tremendous damage,” Comey told Stephanopoulos. “Going to damage those important norms. But a forest fire gives healthy things a chance to grow that had no chance before that fire.”

It is unclear at this time how much recovery Trump will need, but McGee says they have cleared his schedule for the next several weeks to accommodate.

“He’ll be down to a very strict regimen of just 18 hours of rage tweeting a day,” Dr. McGee said. “And we’re limiting his golf trips to every other day, as well.”

This story is developing.

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