Comet Pizza Unveils New Roy Moore Signature Pie: 14 Year Old Meat On Old Dried Up Cracker

Comet Ping Pong — a pizza restaurant in the Washington, D.C. metro area — has announced a new, signature pie that will be available to customers starting today. The Roy Moore Pizza was officially announced and unveiled at a ceremony this morning, and food bloggers in the nation’s capital and surrounding areas were given their first taste of the new culinary concoction. A press release was also issued in conjunction with the announcement of the Roy Moore Pizza.

“Comet Ping Pong is extremely proud of all our pizzas. We use the best, freshest ingredients on all our pies,” the press release states, “All of our pies that is, except the brand new Roy Moore Pizza! Trust us when we say there’s never been a pizza like this, and probably never will be again.”

The Roy Moore Pizza consists of a “bevy of the country’s best 14 year old meats piled high onto a small, dried-up cracker.” The pizza’s taste is described in the press release as “horrifyingly inappropriate and yet too tantalizing for certain, extremely partisan people to stay away from.”

“We’re sure that this will be the number one pizza requested when we cater GOP events,” a  spokesman for the pizza restaurant told us via Skype, “and we’ve already been hired by Sean Hannity to deliver sixteen of these beautiful pizzas to the White House, the first day President Trump returns from his trip to Asia.”

Meats used on the pizza will be purchased from ranchers and farmers all over the Bible Belt, Comet announced. Once obtained, the meats will be taken to a special facility and cured for no more than 14 years. Comet also stated that some Roy Moore Pizzas will have red sauce, and others won’t, it just depends on the individual pizza’s development. The crackers used in place of the dough will be made from recipes procured from Old Testament stories from the Holy Bible.

“This pizza will leave you with such a unique taste in your mouth,” Comet’s spokesperson said, “like a cross between shame, denial, and pepperoni.”

Judge Moore could not be reached for comment.

More satire:

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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