Coastal Elite Wisconsin Dairy Farmer Supports Trump’s Impeachment

PÂTURAGE DE LAIT COUNTY, WISCONSIN — 56-year-old Carol Heffermère never considered herself to be a “coastal elite,” given that all her life she’s lived in or around her hometown in Wisconsin, working on the dairy farm her grandfather started decades ago. Heffermère says that she’s also never considered herself to be “all that partisan” because in her lifetime she’s voted for candidates from both major parties, and has even voted in local elections for third or even fourth party candidates.

“In college, my major was agricultural science, but I took several courses on American history because history’s always been a fascination of mine,” Ms. Heffermère told us via Skype this morning, “and I remember well what George Washington said about the dangers of staying loyal to political parties who have no interest in staying loyal to you. So I always try to see how I feel about an issue, and then determine if there’s a candidate running who most closely represents those views.”

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This morning, Heffermère watched Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announce two articles of impeachment against President Donald J. Trump. After the press conference ended, Heffermère says she took to Twitter, to see what various elected officials were saying about the impeachment, which she herself supports. Heffermère says that she “can’t understand” why any politician would defend what Trump did, but also notes that she doesn’t hear any Republicans saying they’d be okay with a Democratic president doing what he did, either.

“I saw a tweet from a Rep. Mark Walker where he implied that Democrats are ignoring a lot of Americans and are instead acting like coastal elites,” Heffermère said. “Which sounded weird to me, because I never thought of myself as a coastal elite before, and I definitely support impeaching any president who thinks he can use the country’s foreign policy as his personal political campaign. But, I guess if this is the reality we have to live in, sure, I’m a coastal elite now.”

Ms. Heffermère says she voted for mostly Democrats in the 2018 midterm elections precisely because she hoped they’d win the majority and start holding President Trump accountable for what she says “Republicans would have demanded an Obama lynching party over.”

“Just imagine if Obama had gotten on the phone with a foreign country, maybe one where Mitt Romney has a few million bucks hidden from the IRS, and demanded they investigate him, how much outrage would have been diarrhea blasted from the right,” Heffermère asked rhetorically. “I absolutely support impeaching this president, and any president, no matter their political party, for trying to hijack our elections and cheat. I remember when Republicans used to care about election integrity, but maybe that was only when they were freaking out about brown people or young people voting?”

In the final analysis, Heffermère says that “regardless of whatever labels” Trump defenders give people like her, she fully supports the decision made by House Democrats to impeach Trump.

“I’m a farmer, which used to mean that Republicans would respect my opinions,” Heffermère said, “and the thing is, they keep acting like every state between the coasts is some hardcore red state. They act like Trump won every state he won unanimously. They pretend that he didn’t barely slide into office on the strength of less than a quarter million votes cast in three very key swing states. They delude their base into thinking they’re the majority in this country when clearly demographics and exit polling data says otherwise. So do I care if some confederate looking motherfucker calls me a coastal elite? Of course not. I just laugh at him and keep voting for people who aren’t completely and utterly lost to a cult of personality built around the dumbest, most obviously corrupt white collar crook that’s ever been handed the nuclear codes.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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