LAS VEGAS, NEVADA — A CNN spokesperson is confirming at this hour that the cable news network has built a massive silo that it intends to use as storage for “all the bullshit issued” by the 2016 Republican presidential candidates during its second and final GOP primary debate of 2015.
“Hosting the debate in Las Vegas turned out to be quite fortuitous for us,” Mary Alexandria told our reporter, “because as the date approached, we realized that the bullshit silo we’d built in preparation for our last GOP debate wasn’t nearly big enough. When you have people like Carly Fiorina literally making up whole, barbaric, graphic and disturbing scenes from highly-suspect and likely doctored anti-Planned Parenthood videos, and that’s just the tip of the bullshit iceberg your ship is floating up to,” Alexandria said, “you find yourself in need of Biblical levels of bullshit housing.”
Alexandria told other media outlets at a press conference Monday morning that CNN had contracted twenty-five different construction crews to erect a silo that reaches nearly as high as the capstone at the top of the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas. “Even with bullshit silos that big,” Ms. Alexandria said, “the first time you have someone talk about Benghazi, or Obamacare’s failure, or the apology tour that was debunked in 2012 when Mitt Romney thought it was going to stick to Obama, we could be at or near maximum bullshit capacity.”
“The minute one of them tries to blame the breakdown of marriage for income inequality or the number of people living in poverty while completely ignoring that marriage and divorce rates have been fluctuating for decades, during good and bad economic times,” Alexandria said, “our bullshit storage solution may be rendered totally useless.” She also warned that heavy anti-immigrant rhetoric could be catastrophic. “It’s 2015, so most people can recognize that when you live in a nation of immigrants, that was literally founded by people coming to this continent looking for a better life for them and their children,” Ms. Alexandria said, “you could see how easily someone would call bullshit on that kind of talk.”
Speaking to the horrors of marriage equality, Alexandria said, could cause the highly advanced bullshit containment silo to buckle under. “Again, when you live in the modern age, and have LGBTQ friends, talking as if those friends marrying each other will bring about the ruination of America triggers an absolute avalanche of bullshit,” Alexandria told the press, “so are bracing ourselves for when Ted Cruz starts bloviating about that subject.”
“We’re literally a nation built on immigration, so any talk of being against immigration will immediately bring about grapefruit-sized buillshit stones,” Alexandria said, “and we simply don’t have enough time to build drainage for that. Our silo would topple if too many candidates started talking about keeping Syrian refugees out simply because they are fleeing the kinds of terrorists we’re trying to keep out of our country ourselves.”
Alexandria also told reporters that “fear mongering about religious extremists in Muslim countries” will only lead to “a cataclysmic cavalcade of hypocrisy-laced bullshit” that their enhanced silo will not be able to process. “I mean, Cruz is a Dominionist,” she said, “that means he literally thinks Christians were put on Earth to dominate everyone else, and if he has the balls to say that he’s somehow different from Islamic clerks demanding Sharia law replace secular law, especially when he thinks he should be able to tell someone they can’t get married because of his own religious beliefs, that bullshit silo we just built might explode and take out half of Nevada with it.”
“I just hope the part where they trash the new international climate accord doesn’t include them disagreeing with 97% of the most highly-trained scientific minds on climate change being real or not,” Alexandria said as the press conference was ending, “bullshit on that magnitude is just not something any man-made structure could possibly hope to contain, not with all the hard data being backed up by wildly changing climate zones throughout the world.”
The CNN debate will take place Tuesday, December 15th, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada. CNN’s coverage will begin at 6pm ET.