Cliven Bundy Offers to Educate NFL Players on the Proper Ways to Protest

CHINGADERO DESERT, NEVADA — Cattle rancher Cliven Bundy is no stranger to protesting against the government, and this morning Mr. Bundy held a press conference at a diner not far from his Nevada cattle ranch, offering to give a series of instructive classes on the subject to any NFL player who he says “might be looking for the proper, dignified, and Caucasian way to protest.”

“You know, in 2014 I learned a lot of hard lessons,” Bundy told reporters this morning, “and one of those lessons is that if you’re gonna protest, you gotta do it the right way. With a big ol’ posse and a shit ton of guns pointed at law enforcement officials.”

Bundy says “any other form of protest just ain’t good, clean, or white.”

“Excuse me,” Bundy said, catching himself, “I meant to say right, of course. If you want to protest right, the proper Constitutional way I’m sayin’ now, you just gotta have a cache of semi-automatic rifles, and they just gotta be trained on federal and local law enforcement agents, you see.”

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Mr. Bundy explained during his press conference that he “sympathizes greatly” with NFL players who want to “stick to the feds” but that they should “first make sure that they’re protesting something white people agree with them protesting” and they should “never protest without at least a dozen assault rifles nearby.”

“Let’s face it, it’s always going to be a dicey situation for some people in this country whenever a black man or black men protest,” Bundy said, “Because look at MLK. We tell people today to act like MLK and be all peaceful, but we still shot MLK didn’t we? So you gotta protest in a way that white people will respect, which starts with protesting something white people want them to protest, like the price of mayonnaise or the lack of new things coming out that are specifically and only created for white people’s enjoyment.”

NFL players who kneel before the anthem are making several key mistakes, Bundy says, and he would like to help them correct those mistakes.

“First of all,” Bundy said, “you gotta remember that my people care about that flag greatly. And the only way you can protest Old Glory is with her younger, hotter cousin, the Stars and Bars. I bet if those black players were kneeling down before a confederate flag, that would go a long way to showing certain, you know, elements, of Trump’s base that they may be protesting one flag, but are pledging fealty to the way more important flag.”

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Ultimately, Cliven says that “just a few simple tweaks” could help the kneeling footballers gain traction with angry white Trump voters, who see their protest of police brutality as a personal attack on themselves and their culture.

“Smarten up,” Bundy said the football players should start doing, “and protest in ways that white people find acceptable. I ain’t saying it’s easy to find those ways, but you can do it. Protest the right things in the right ways, and you’ll get to keep your constitutional rights.”

Then, after a slight beat, Cliven suggested one more change.

“Oh, and if they can be white instead of black,” Cliven said, “they can pretty much protest whatever they want. Maybe give that a shot.”

No representatives from the NFL or the NFL player’s union could be reached for comment.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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