Hillary Clinton Offers To Testify Before Mueller For Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton showed up unplanned at the White House gate, asking to speak to President Donald Trump.

Despite losing the 2016 presidential election to Trump because she couldn’t muster the Electoral College vote total she needed to pair with her popular vote win, reportedly Ms. Clinton told White House staff and reporters onsite she was there to bring an offer of help to the president. Clinton, who had previously occupied the White House as First Lady to President Bill Clinton, said she was “just in the neighborhood” and was reading a news report that Special Counsel Robert Mueller had rejected Trump’s legal team’s request to submit written testimony in a series of questions that leaked to the press last week.

The questions are reportedly what Mueller would want to ask Trump in any formal, under oath, testimony.

Trump’s legal team, now joined by former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, had hoped Mueller would allow the president to submit written answers as his testimony. That bid, Giuliani announced, was rejected. CBS News had a report on the story.

The president’s legal team has signaled that this would be their preferred format for a possible interview, since it helps protect Mr. Trump from the possibility of lying or misleading investigators, which is a criminal offense. (CBS News)

“You know, the thought occurred to me that maybe Donald is worried a man at his age might not have the stamina for hours of grilling,” Ms. Clinton said this morning. “I can totally sympathize. I mean, I managed to testify for almost 12 hours under oath to Congress about Benghazi, but hey, we senior citizens have different concerns as we get older, I get it.”

Clinton said she was at the White House to make an offer to “pinch hit” for Trump.

“I’ve sent him copies of my Benghazi testimony,” Clinton admitted, “but I thought maybe a direct offer to testify might suit the situation better.”

Ms. Clinton told reporters she was prepared to sit down with Mueller in Trump’s stead. She would answer the questions for Trump, and she’d do so with the same “indefatigable energy, vim, and vigor” with which she approached her grueling, marathon congressional testimony.

“If I can take a half day of questioning on a right-wing conspiracy theory based almost entirely on ignoring evidence, then I can do this for Don,” Hillary said. “Hell, we’re old pals and stuff, so it’d be my honor, a real bigly  honor, you might say.”

Clinton says she’s already begun preparing herself to testify like Trump would.

“I started having an aide smack me in the head with a brick every night,” Clinton said. “And I’ve been asking Bill to blow hot taco farts into my ears to try and force out as much gray matter and force in as much hot taco fart as possible into my skull.”

Should Trump not feel like taking Clinton up on her offer, she says she’s got another suggestion.

“Maybe he’d let Obama do it for him,” Hillary suggested. “I know he’s got issues with Barack, but maybe if Trump was offered a look at the secret Communist Sharia Kenyan birth certificate he’d let Barry take a crack at it, who knows?”

The White House did not comment on this story.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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