Clinton Hopes to Emotionally Blackmail Trump Into Changing His Tone Too

LAC DU EFFRAYÉ, WISCONSIN — The Hillary Clinton campaign released a statement this morning, hoping to provide more clarity and insight into their request that rival Senator Bernie Sanders change his tone before Ms. Clinton debates her again. Ms. Clinton raised some eyebrows when an aide insisted that if Sanders wanted to debate Clinton again he’d have to change the way he was speaking to Clinton in the debates. Some feel that this tactic comes directly from the drubbing Clinton got in the Washington, Hawaii and Utah caucuses, and that it shows she’s a little nervous in general as to how she herself is coming off, but the press release from the Clinton campaign attempts to clear that up.

Secretary Clinton simply wanted Senator Sanders to speak to her in the tone she is entitled to be addressed in. Secretary Clinton believes that she has earned the right to only be spoken to in tones that she feels are right and proper, and she will not subject herself to any tones she doesn’t feel are worthy of her. Ms. Clinton made this request of Senator Sanders even though his tone has always been respectful, even when he was being forceful, as a trial balloon for when she pulls completes her destiny and wins the Democratic nomination, moving on to face Donald Trump in the General Election.

Ms. Clinton believes she should be able to use the same emotional blackmail tactics on Trump as she did on Sanders. She understands that by playing on some of her supporters sensitivities to actual sexism, she can simply paint everything her opponent does with a thin veneer of implied sexism, and viola! She can force anyone to only speak to her in ways she sees fit. This will be one of her primary tools she uses when she fulfills her predestined fate and becomes President, as well. She will always insist that known easy-going leaders like Vladimir Putin and Kim-Jong Un in North Korea only speak to her in civil, dulcet tones.

Should Mr. Trump, for some unforeseen reason not abide by Secretary Clinton’s demands, she’ll simply invoke her right as the ordained next president to skip the election and debates altogether and get right to her inauguration. If anyone would like to speak to Ms. Clinton about this more in person, they are welcome to come to her next fundraising dinner, pay the $350,000, and tell her whatever they want to tell her…in the tones mandated and demanded by Ms. Clinton, of course.

Reached for comment, Donald Trump had a simple, one word and three letter response to Clinton’s insistence he also change his tone when addressing her.

“LOL, no,” Trump said succinctly.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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