Man Dressed Head-to-Toe in Confederate Flags Worried Removing Statues Erases History

HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell, a right-wing podcaster, told his audience this week that he is opposed to removing statues and monuments to Confederate leaders.

“It just don’t make no sense,” Clem told his audience on Totally Biased But In All The Right Ways,”because first it starts with tearing down statues just because they led armies against our country and for the cause of owning blacks like we own shoes or chairs today. But what’s next? Erasing the fact, the SCIENTIFIC FACT, that God created the planet 6,000 years ago to rid the universe of the mental illness known as liberalism? Think about it, fam!”

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Dressed completely in clothing fashioned with patterns of the Confederate flag on them, O’Connell warned his audience that liberals will want to “erase everything we hold dear” by moving artifacts and monuments or statues to museums.

“They know damn well that we conservatives only visit museums dedicated to completely truthful things like creationism,” Clem said angrily, “so of course we ain’t goin’ to no libtard indoctrination museum to be lied to about the glorious Confederacy that was so totally not about slavery.”

Clem likened the outrage over confederate monuments to that of the controversy over Confederate flags.

“Look at my clothes right now. Look at them,” Clem said, pointing to his shirt and pants, “they both have the stars and bars on ’em. But do that make me racist? Of course not.”

Clem paused.

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“The fact that I think black people are more innately violent and are addicted to welfare because they’re just too stupid to work harder for their money, that makes me racist, but that’s not even the point here, fam,” Clem said with satisfaction in his voice.

O’Connell says he plans to travel the country, personally chaining himself to monuments to figures like Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee. He’ll do so, he said, in “defense of the admirable but far too short-lived Confederate States of America.”

“I just can’t understand why libtards can’t separate the slavery that most states left the union to preserve,” Clem said, “from the noble cause of the confederacy that I believe in deep within my soul. Can’t they see that what matters more are the parts of the Confederacy I embrace, and not the parts I ignore because they make me realize I’m either siding with racists or acting a little racist myself? We cannot let the scourge of liberalism wipe out our history!”

Clem is worried that if the statues all go away, he might not have any way to remember the Confederacy.

“What am I going to do,” Clem asked, “put on this sweatshirt that looks like a rebel flag over my t-shirt that says you need a history lesson if the flag offends you? Am I going to put on my pants I had made especially for the anniversary of the battle of Fort Sumter that look like rebel flags? Wear one of my thirty different hats with rebel flags on them? Fly one of my sixty-two different hand-sewn confederate flags over my house that I had painted red with a blue X going through it? Just how oppressive should I let the libtards get before I murder someone with my American-made car?”


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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