Trump Supporter Wonders Which Muslim Country Orlando Workplace Shooter Came From

HOBART, ARKANSAS — Right-wing libertarian Facebook page magnate Clem O’Connell was in the middle of recording the latest episode of his podcast, “Biased in All the Right Ways,” when the news broke of a disgruntled ex-employee killing five people in workplace shooting rampage in Orlando, Florida. At the time of the podcast’s recording, not much was known about the gunman outside of him being 45-years-old and that he had been part of another workplace violence incident in 2014.

Once news got to Clem of the shooting, he immediately started hypothesizing about the religion and country of origin of the shooter.

“He clearly wasn’t an American,” Clem theorized, “or at least not a conservative, Republican American. Good, clean, ammo-hoarding, gun toting, God-fearing Christian American Patriots only use their guns in righteous, justified ways such as self defense or shooting it straight up in the air after you beat the libtards in a presidential election.”

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Clem told his audience that “everyone knows” the only people who commit acts of violence are Muslim terrorists or “untrained libtard gun owners.” O’Connell reasoned that the travel ban executive order that President Trump signed is a “direct reflection” of that common knowledge.

“Everyone knows that the only ones we have to be scared of using guns like this are terrorists from Muslim countries or untrained libtard gun owners,” Clem said, “because I can’t remember when it was the last time that a conservative, white gun owner shot up a historic black church or a Planned Parenthood or anything like that.”

Mr. O’Connell believes that if the shooter was actually an American citizen and not Muslim, that there could be an “even darker, more sinister hand at play,” and that former President Barack Obama was involved.

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“Obama always wanted our guns,” Clem said, “and it was only the vigilance of the right that stopped him from succeeding. Well, that and never actually having a plan to take all our guns. But I still think he may have been involved. And if he was, that means my theory about a Muslim being involved still holds water, libtards!”

As Clem wrapped up the podcast, word had still not been released as to the country of origin or religion of the disgruntled shooter. O’Connell said he’d be “watching Breitbart and InfoWars very closely” in the subsequent hours.

“After all,” Clem explained, “they’re the ones who will give me the whole, unfettered truth that has then been broken down and synthesized into the conspiracy theories and racist rhetoric you know you can trust.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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