HOBART, ARKANSAS — Right-wing podcaster and YouTube star Clem O’Connell told his audience today that he racked up tens of thousands of dollars buying Nike brand socks to burn as part of the growing boycott of the athletic wear company in response to hiring Colin Kapernick as one of its spokespeople.
“Nothing disrespects the magical freedom cloth known as our GREAT AMURIKAN FLAYG like quietly and respectfully kneeling in front of it to protest people of color being systemically abused by law enforcement,” Clem said. “We all know that. They teach that to us in Sunday school if we’re not lucky enough to go to a private Christian school.”
When Nike decided to make former NFL quarterback Kaepernick the face of their 30th anniversary “Just Do It” campaign, they did so in tribute to and honor of Mr. Kaepernick essentially losing his extremely lucrative football career for making a political stand. Kaepernick’s accusation of collusion among NFL owners to keep him out of the league won a major battle in court recently. However, that doesn’t matter to Clem, nor does the fact that Kaepernick’s solemn protests were suggested by a former teammate who was also a veteran of the armed forces.
“None of that crap matters! He’s dissing our FLAYG,” Clem said. “The only way this could be any worse is if it were the Confederate FLAYG he was crappin’ all over, fam!”
Clem has decided to join the conservative boycott and burn all of his Nike gear.
“Only prollem is that I didn’t own no Nike gear, an account of the fact that they do athletic clothes and I stopped being physically active specifically to thwart Moo-Shell Obummer’s Marxist attempt to get our kids to be more active,” Clem said. “But I wanted to participate all the same, except I wanted to have the biggest Nike bonfire of them all.”
So that’s why Clem went onto Amazon’s website and bought $45,000 worth of Nike socks that he plans to burn as soon as they arrive.
“I may even put a pair or fifteen on and burn them, right on my feet,” Clem told us. “All I know is that it’s gonna be such an insult, such a big hit to Nike for us to burn all the stuff we already paid for, but it’ll really drive the message home if I give them tens of thousands of dollars just so I can burn what I buy! Like they say in chess, Chex mix, libtards!”
This is a developing story.
UPDATE: Clem tells us he’s adjusting to life with one foot, and that he’s hoping to work out a deal with his credit card companies since he now has to pay for a foot amputation and burn unit treatment.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.