HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell told his podcast audience today that even though he didn’t serve in any branch of the military, and even though he “love[s] the Constitution in a visceral, nearly sexual way,” he agrees with Fox News contributor and 2016 Breitbart Screeching Blonde Fuckmuppet of the Year Tammy Lahren. Burning the American flag should result in an immediate forfeiture of any welfare. O’Connell says that he “absolutely and completely” believes that only people who are on welfare burn American flags.
“I tell you what, I think most Americans are too busy working their jobs to just be out in the middle of the street on a Tuesday burning Old Glory,” Clem explained to his audience.
Mr. O’Connell had Ms. Lahren on his podcast as a guest interview, and the two discussed Lahren’s tweet on the subject.
If you're okay setting fire to the American flag I hope you're also setting fire to your American taxpayer-funded welfare check.
— Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) September 20, 2017
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“I just think you’re so right, Timmy,” Clem told Lahren, “because that American flag, and all those fifty stars represent the taxpayers that are putting that welfare check in your account. And I just can’t see a good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God fearing, Christ loving, America worshiping patriot could bring himself to burn an American flag!”
“Exactly, I mean you know, like, BLM are the real terrorists anyway,” Lahren said.
Clem was confused.
“Wait, I thought we were talking about welfare recipients being the ones burning all the flags,” Clem said.
Ms. Lahren blinked. Then she smiled.
“Oh, sorry, my settings must have switched to their factory default racist bullshit talking point setting, hang on,” Lahren said.
Lahren smacked herself on the back of the head, and a small compartment opened up, revealing a tiny mouse on a wheel. Reaching inside the compartment, Lahren flipped a switch. Her eyes blinked rapidly for two seconds and then she came back online.
“Sorry about that Clem,” Lahren said, “Anyway, yeah, I think it’s disgusting that all these people are taking money from the American taxpayer in the form of welfare and then burning the flag of the very country that’s giving you that money! Also, since we know it’s just black people that get welfare, basically it’s a bunch of BLM terrorists using their welfare checks to set fire to the American flag!”
O’Connell and Lahren also discussed whether they’d make the same argument if they got their way as conservatives and all taxes were abolished.
“Isn’t it interesting how we use wasted tax dollars as an excuse for why we can’t have things like universal healthcare and undergraduate college,” Lahren admitted, “and then right out of the other side of our mouths we decry taxes themselves. It’s like we want this world where there are no taxes to waste and we think that somehow everything will be magically better for people.”
Clem agreed wholeheartedly.
“Exactly, Trampoline,” O’Connell said, nodding his head emphatically, “and that’s because we know that life couldn’t have been any better in America than it was in the 19th century. Just imagine being able to get your blood leeched at the barber instead of paying all those high OBUMMERCARE premiums!”
At one point in the conversation, Clem seemed to have a moment of doubt in his own position, after a caller asked him if he or Lahren would say it’s okay for someone who doesn’t get welfare to burn a flag.
“Sure, but I mean,” Clem said, “that doesn’t make sense because there’s just no possible way that someone who doesn’t get welfare would burn a flag. I mean, the fact is that if one person who doesn’t get welfare burned a flag, that would obliterate our argument, and that’s just so un-American as to be downright disgusting, and I might just puke at the thought of it. Oh my God, Imma barf!”
Clem barfed and barfed and barfed, and cleaning crews would later say all the piled up puke bore a striking resemblance to Ms. Lahren, so it all came full circle.