HOBART, ARKANSAS — Semi-prominent right-wing podcaster and YouTube content producer Clem O’Connell told his audience today that he’s gone completely blind, and he blames everyone from Barack Obama to the “mainstream, Jew-run media” for his sudden lack of sight.
“Fam, let me tell you something,” Clem said today on his Biased But For the Right Reasons podcast, “I ignored the B.S. warnings about not looking right at the sun — like every good, God fearing, ammo hoarding patriot always does with liberal conspiracy passed off as nonsense — and well, now I can’t see, fam!”
Much like climate change, the multiverse, and gravity, Clem told his viewers and listeners that he believed all the warnings about not looking directly at a solar eclipse were “obvious liberal Marxim.” He thought that there must have been some kind of secret communist or socialist message in the eclipse, and that “evil science-y libtards” had conspired to keep conservatives from seeing the message by telling the country it was unsafe to look at the eclipse.
“I mean, if they’d lie to us about global warming — OR IS IT GLOBAL COOLING AGAIN NOW, AM I RIGHT?! — they’d absolutely lie to us about anything,” Clem insisted, adding, “and that includes not staring directly at a solar eclipse, or the sun in general.”
Clem said that he believed that the people telling everyone to avoid looking at the eclipse were “on the government dole” and that they were “obviously deep state actors embedded by the Obama administration.” O’Connell says that even as he was going blind, his retinas burning, he felt that it was Obama’s fault. Why hadn’t there been an a total solar eclipse during Obama’s tenure, Clem wondered? The answer, he believed was “so simple even a libtarded libtard could understand it.”
“Clearly, Obummer wanted a bunch of Americans to go blind on Trump’s watch,” Clem said, “and then have to use his stupid Commie Obamacare insurance to treat their eyes. It’s all about keeping you addicted to the government, teat man.”
Mr. O’Connell says that this incident reminds him another time in his life when he ignored the consensus of the “so-called intelligentsia and liberal elite.”
“Everyone always tells us to look both ways before crossing the street,” Clem said, “but I don’t know. That sounds like tyranny to me, telling people what they can or can’t do. Only commies and socialists tell people what to do. Oh, and evangelical Christians if we’re telling a woman when she should have a baby, or a gay person who they can or can’t marry.”
Clem says that one day six years ago he was about to cross the street in town, and as he started to look to the left after looking right, he had an epiphany.
“What if it’s all just liberal hogwash, fam? What if looking both ways costs conservatives time in their lives they can’t get back? What if George Soros is using that time to profit and make himself richer, further entrenching the globalist agenda in our government, fam? I’m not afraid to admit I think that’s entirely possible,” Clem said.
So, Clem says, he crossed the street without looking the other way.
“You know what? I was fine,” Clem said, “and after a year and a half of intense physical therapy, I was walking again. So who’s the smart one now, libs? Who’s the smart one now?”
Doctors say Clem’s sight will never return, but he’s not even worried about that.
“When you’re a devout Trumper like me,” Clem explained, “your world view is already clouded by Breitbart headlines and your vision is already obscured by your own rectum. I’ll be just fine, fam.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.