Confused Trump Supporter Thinks UK Just Voted To Keep Breakfast

LITELLA, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell considers himself “extremely political.” He follows everything in the political world he can, in his words, “get it from a trusted, reliable, unbiased source like World News Daily, Fox News, or Allen West’s podcast and Facebook posts.” When he woke up the morning after the Brexit vote in the United Kingdom, Clem says he was extremely pleased.

“It’s just so great to see democracy in action,” Clem told us over the phone, “and I’ve always felt that it’s the most important meal of the day.” O’Connell told us that he didn’t think that Britons had it in them to vote the way they did, but he’s “pleased as pie” that they did because “everyone loves eggs, bacon, and toast.” Though he said he wasn’t sure if “over there” people eat English muffins instead.

When Clem read that British currency had already tumbled to a 35 year low, and that the Dow Jones Industrial Average took a 500 point here in this country, he was confused. He didn’t understand how a country “voting for the breakfast foods they want to eat” could lead to a financial crisis.

“I mean, I get it,” Clem said, “voting matters and elections have consequences. I guess I just fundamentally misunderstood what this whole issue was about. I thought they were voting for the breakfast foods they want to eat. And that dirty foreigners were being forced on them by the EU and they were being pushed into eating breakfast foods they don’t like. I don’t believe anyone should be able to tell another person what they can or can’t have for breakfast! That’s the most important meal of the day! If you want to have Fruity Pebbles, have fruity pebbles! I would have voted for breakfast too! We all deserve breakfast! Power to the bacon, man!”

“This is why I support Donald Trump,” Clem said, “because he’s a winner. And winner’s don’t let Muslims tell us what kind of breakfasts we can have. I’m sorry, but I am angry now! If we’re not careful, one day soon we could be forced to have a vote on what kinds of breakfasts to have, if any. Hell, they could force us to vote on whether we should have breakfast in the first place!”

Clem paused for a moment, which is when our interviewer told him the issue citizens of the UK were voting on was over whether it should leave the European Union.

“So you’re telling me this has nothing to do with breakfast whatsoever,” Clem asked in a shocked tone of voice, “but then how come they kept calling it the ‘breakfix’ vote?” Our reporter then directed him to the Internet and showed Clem the correct word the press had created for the vote, Brexit.

“Oh, well that’s different,” Clem said, “never mind.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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